My name is Amy and I live in the messy middle of life. The tag line for this blog is “where grace and truth reside.” I find people tend to be drawn to grace, grace, grace OR truth, truth, truth. Neither side requires much discipline, do they? Instead they foster autopilot living. But real life happens … in the messy middle, with both.
I know, it can be maddening. But also exhilarating!
In terms of this blog, The Messy Middle is where the pains, joys, boredoms, frustrations, interests, relationships, and God reside. It’s not as easy or clean or simple or safe as life on the perimeter, but there’s no place you would rather be. Right?!
I returned to the US a couple of year ago after living almost 20 years in China (most recently in Beijing). It is tempting to assume that because I’ve lived in a land that requires a passport, the mess of life is more interesting in foreign lands. Here’s the thing, the messy middle exists everywhere! The Messy Middle is not so much about a location, as an attitude. Am you going to take a risk, live life, and when you fail, fail towards God? Do you see God not only in the extraordinary, but in the ordinary too?
I’m kind of a nut about Pi (the number, though desserts are good too), Zumba, signs, the Denver Broncos, and the Kansas Jayhawks.
This space leans into the tension of living with purpose while also having fun. I’m taken with the question: how do we invest enough in life so that we are not floating around tether-less; but not so rooted in any one part of our lives that we are unable to keep growing, changing, and exploring as a person who loves God?
Two events in the last few years have influenced me greatly: the death of my dad and the birth of a book.
I love this photo because it was taken two weeks before my dad unexpectedly died.
My book Looming Transitions: Starting and Finishing Well in Cross-Cultural Service came out in January 2016.
Here’s what a few people are saying about the book:
“Reading this book feels a lot like spending an afternoon catching up with an old friend, sipping coffee and telling stories, and yet, I walk away from reading it with a lens through which I understand every subtle shift and massive transition in my life differently and a framework through which to approach pending transitions with grace and wisdom.” Cassi L.
“Looming Transitions is an excellent roadmap and manual for those of us in transition. Amy is a gifted teacher and communicator, and her writing reflects her commitment to help us understand and walk through the transition process. Her passion is to help us, and it shines in the pages of this book. Looming Transitions takes difficult concepts and provides vivid word pictures, personal examples, and practical suggestions to help guide you through your own journey. Amy’s encouragement to pay attention along the way, reminders that “the goal isn’t to get the transition ‘just right’,” and that “your transition joins a larger story” are life giving nuggets of wisdom.” Jason I.
I also love reading and seeing book lists people have put together. Here are a few I’ve made:
- 10 Books I Loved in 2015
- 9 Books I Loved in 2014
- A Non-Cook Reviews 3 Chinese Cookbooks
- 9 Lessons on friendship from a pig and a spider
- My top 9 Christmas books (Um, it appears I like the number nine or factors of nine.)
As much I I love reading and writing, I love meeting with people in person more. If you’re in need of a speaker for an event, you can check out my speaker page and get ideas of how we could work together. Whether you’re needing a speaker for a weekend or one-time event, I’m your person.
“I’ve heard Amy speak many times to large groups and small ones. Every time Amy speaks she is energetic and passionate about the topics. She is also very relational with her audience. She’s the kind of speaker that you listen to and think to yourself, “I want to be friends with her because she understands me and I would like to hang out with her afterwards.” I always leave refreshed and encouraged after hearing her speak.” Jonathan Wu
The majority of my working time is invested in Velvet Ashes—an on-line watering hole for women living overseas—and in part I host a weekly book club. I also contribute to China Source, Self Talk the Gospel, and A Life Overseas.
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Thanks for stopping by. In China one always has a gift ready for a guest, so, my welcome gift for you is 14 Tips for Navigating the Messy Middle of Life.
Take a deep breath and settle in. There’s room for you here.
Amy
P.S. The photo I used in an earlier version of this blog encapsulates for me what the messy middle is all about—climbing out from the shelter of safety and being fully engaged in life. You can read the back story of the photo here, yes, that photo is real! I know, crazy, right?
Disclosure : Amazon Affiliate links included in this website. If you click through to Amazon, any purchase you make supports the costs of running this website.
Hey Amy,
Nice piece on Connie. You may remember she and I were first year teachers together in Nanchang. Oh the stories to share. Just thought I’d share my film website with you to see if it hit your interest sweetspot.
Peace and keep up the good work!
ee
I bet you DO have some good stories! Thanks for stopping in Eric!
Hi Amy,
For some reason, I can’t find your email on your site. It’s probably that I looked straight past it a dozen times and just glossed right past it, but either way, I wanted to get a hold of you. I’m writing from MOPS International [MOPS.org] and we were hoping to have permission to repost something you had written as a part of a new campaign we’re running.
Could you let me know the best email address to use to contact you through?
Thanks!
Amy – I wanted you to know that we included your Open Letter re Mother’s Day post on our Pomegranate Project Facebook Page. I’m glad it came our way. You might be interested in see what is there! Wishing you great peace, Mary Elizabeth
Thanks Mary Elizabeth!
Hi Amy,
We also used your Mother’s Day post in our worship service in Nashville, TN. (TheBridgeWoodmont.com)
It was so meaningful! Several women in the community came and asked for a copy, so I directed them to your site. Thank you for this beautiful, important gathering of thoughts, hopes and hurts.
Andra
Andra, I love hearing of the different places this was used :)
Please tell me how I can “unfollow” your old blog. In the past week, I’ve received a few hundred emails all notifying me that a comment has been made at that site. I have visited that blog site, and I can’t find any way to remove my name and email address so I don’t get overwhelmed by separate notifications for each comment and response.
Thanks in advance.
Amy,
Someone sent us a link to your post on Mothers Day (A non-mom speaks about mothers day). Thanks for sharing that, it’s a powerful thing. With your permission we would like to use the wide spectrum of mothering this Sunday (along with your suggestions) at our church.
Thanks for helping us be better at this.
John
John, please do! And here are some more resources for you https://www.messymiddle.com/2013/05/09/10-ideas-for-pastors-on-mothers-day/
Amy,
I just wanted to share with you that we had a much better Mother’s day with your help and suggestions. We used a video “Mighty” that shows moms dealing with the struggles of children and then had a mother and daughter team read the Spectrum with some graphics on the screen. We followed that with a prayer of blessing, (not asking moms to stand).
Here is a message that we got that I think best says how it went: “Thank you, Jim and everyone for the service yesterday. It was a very difficult one for me and you honored mother’s in a wonderful way. I can honestly say I was dreading it and it was wonderful instead of hard. :)”
Thanks for sharing your heart, it’s helped us to be better at this.
Amy I am the worship pastor at our church and plan to use this Sunday, My wife and I have 2 adopted ‘God-sent” sons,
This brought my wife and I both to tears, something I have been looking to share for a long time. THANKS SO MUCH !!!!
Bro Ben … you’re welcome SO MUCH :). I”m thankful it brought you and your wife together.
Thank you for your Mother’s Day letter. Would like to share via facebook with your permission.
Please do!
I’ve been bewildered for so long at the Mother’s Day phenom…until my own mother started sending me Mother’s Day cards. “Because you nurture so many and give so much.” (I am not a mother, but I am a massage therapist.)
This piece of writing brought me great relief, answered some deep questions, and helped me feel One with my fellow sisters who choose to have offspring, as I have chosen not to. (It *is* a choice: never a given!)
The prayer is so healing and meaningful too. Thank you.
How wonderful that you are helping heal and bless so many – and sustaining faith – through your frank, humorous, real writing.
Looking forward to reading more!
God bless
After seeing the photo, I thought surely you live in China, or at least Asia.
Enjoyed your post. What do you do in Beijing? I live in this vast city as well.
Amy – forgive me for my negative comments…and for remaining anonymous…..I am a boomer-mom – and I was saddened and a little peeved at your mother’s day letter to the pastor. without going into too many details and sounding like a “grumpy old lady” your letter made me wonder what you did for your own mother on MD? Are you willing to help your pastor serve all of the hurting women you listed who struggle with MD? I’m sorry you struggle with being childless – I can’t know your pain…but I can tell you that LOTS of us boomer moms struggle with adult kids in all sorts of prodigal phases….as well as adult kids who really don’t care much about how we’re doing or connecting much with us. There is a LOT of pain in my generation regarding the choices and behaviours of our adult kids. How would you feel if your kid’s girl friend/boyfriend wished your other offspring “happy mother’s day” but not you…the parent? What does one do with that? no card, no greeting, no acknowledgement…nothing….and I’m suppose to love her as a future DIL? Just one example. There is enough pain to go around for parents….and non parents alike! As a widow – I attend worship services alone EVERY week – and most weeks I have to hear about what a healthy family looks like. Don’t get me wrong, I’m glad my church values that highly, but there’s enough dysfunction in my family to keep me in prayer for the rest of my life. I’m not especially fond of MD…or Christmas or Easter, for that matter! I am a work in progress, Jesus is molding me and shaping me and I’m working on “give thanks in all circumstances”. But life is hard in this broken world. God promises He will use it for His glory and our good. So lighten up on your pastor- ask him how you can service him and help. And go and honor your own mom….or some other mom is is alone. The grass isn’t greener on the parent side!
thanks for listening,
Marie
HI Marie,
Thank you for the comment! I’m sorry that I didn’t express myself clearly in the first go-around :). I don’t struggle with childlessness (I think that’s why I can write about it), but there are many, many who do. But I understand and get your point — there is pain for everyone. That was precisely the point I was trying to make :) … my other point was just, if possible, to not rub salt in a open wound for many women. I”m sorry that your children have brought heartache, I don’t say that lightly! And if you knew my pastor, he’d say I’m already doing plenty :) Amy
Hi Amy
Just wanted to say thank you for the post on an inclusive mother’s day. Yesterday we celebrated Mother’s Day in our church and took many of your thoughts into consideration. We used your lovely prayer at the end of the service and have had many positive comments. As a non-traditional, non-biological mother… I felt proud to be part of the service. Thanks again from Durban, South Africa.
From South Africa!! Now I’m smiling!
Amy, I found your blog via a link to your popular and insightful Mother’s Day post. Would you have any interest in contributing content to FaithVillage.com? Email me at blake at faithvillage dot com and I’d be glad to send details.
Hey Amy! I adapted your words about mothers that so effectively captured the complicated thing that is motherhood, desire for motherhood, and messy motherhood–into a reading for our church on Mother’s Day. Wow. We had a HUGE response. Thanks for such a great way to acknowledge this subject that went way beyond the typical elevation of a glorified idea of what motherhood is. YOU ROCK.
Don
p.s. I posted this elsewhere…but it seems more appropriate here…!
Hi Amy! Thanks for your blog. You are a great writer and so inspiring. Your blog title has inspired me to write a sermon called, Life’s too short for no Mess. I am going to use the first part of John 1 as the spring board. I was wondering what were some biblical stories that come to your mind that illustrate this whole “grace and truth” thing? Keep up the good work!
Steve, right off the bat I think of David and his interaction with Uriah and Bathsheba — God upheld the importance of truth (David wasn’t doing what he should have been doing as the King and then filled his time with things that had HUGE consequences for many, many) YET God was gracious to David in bringing Nathan to him, allowing him to eventually marry Bathsheba, and later have a child together that was known for wisdom. You also might enjoy the book “Changes that heal” by Henry Cloud — he really fleshes out the whole truth and grace themes. Blessings Steve! Amy
Hi Amy!
I work for an organization called Christians for Biblical Equality. We recently discovered your wonderful post titled, “In Which We Have a Frank Chat About My Marital Status.” We loved your humor and honesty so much we are wondering if we would be able to reprint the post in our email newsletter, Arise. Blessings! -Krista
I’ll email you :)
I may not be able to post this because I don’t know what to do with the website section so I just put yours there.
Amy, I was so proud of how our church handled Mother’s Day this year. No standing for us moms, no single carnation of appreciation & no applause. What we found in our worship folders was a note of appreciation & love telling us the church had donated an undisclosed sum to the Whittier Pregnancy Care Clinic.
Your article on MD was a revelation to me, things I’d never considered even though I have two very dear childless friends for whom MD is salt in their wounds. Since reading your article much has come to light in my heart thinking about the adult children in any given congregation who may have lived a hell on earth as a result of abuse, neglect and the absence of natural love. Their pain and insatiable hunger for mother love trumps my supposed day of recognition.
I would think for those who painfully and angrily argue for recognition on MD, that recognition is really a sham; like desperately needing nutrition and being offered a Twinkie.
Clearly, I haven’t figured the correct way to post comments. This should have been posted on your Mother’s Day article.
I think I moved it over there :)
Hi Susan, your experience has been mine as well — after I wrote the letter over a year ago, it was as if the Lord took some scales off my eyes and let me (and others) see a bit behind the curtain or the masks we all wear. Again, I’m for people being recognized — but as you said, some of the ways that people are recognized might have more to do with their own heart. I think a new movement has been started through you and many others (ultimately, through the Spirit!). Blessings, sister! Amy
Thank you. Do you by any chance know Kara & Bernhard? Can’t use last names but just curious. They are friends of mine. The fire in the apartment next door seemed to ring a bell.
could we use the wide spectrum of mothering as a hand out on mother’s day? of course you will be credited. I am on a worship planning team and trying to think ahead to mother’s day. thanks. it’s brilliant.
“The Wide Spectrum of Mothering” appeared in the La Canada Pres Bulletin today. It is the best; most descriptive; most accurate; most beautifully written piece on “Mothering” I have ever read. Thank you Amy.
Bob Olson
5/11/2014
Bob, thank you! And you’re welcome :)
Re: Today’s post on “Roller Coaster Road”
This is located north of Colorado Springs in Black Forest. It’s a real place for the precise name of the road.
If you don’t like Roller Coasters better not have fun driving this one.
I say the faster the better, so long as it’s not dawn or dusk, when the deer are crossing.
On a motorcycle it’s better still as I pop over the top of some sharp hills I even catch a little air and shift up to go faster!
Aashoda, I was running late so didn’t have time to poke around on the road … but after your comment I want to go back and drive it (sans deer :))
I really appreciate your ‘Wide Spectrum of Motherhood’piece. If you are still adding ideas, perhaps an acknowledgement of the untimely death of a child would gather in those who have lost a child to illness or suicide.
Hi there Amy, my name is Nina and I was wandering if I coud us your letter for my Mother’s Day service. Thanks and look forward to hearing from you.
Hello Amy,
First, thank you, thank you for your post about the open letter to the pastor on Mothers Day!! As you can see from my blog, my husband and I are “reproductively challenged”! I wanted to get permission to link your post on my blog and share it with the community.
Thank you for putting words so eloquently and comedic for us readers to gain encouragement and strength in every stage of life!
Sincerely,
Julianna
Vloggingventure.wordpress.com
Please do :)!
Hey, Amy!
I just read your “Open Letter to Pastors (a non-mom speaks about Mother’s Day” and it said exactly what my soul wants to scream. I’m a single, middle-thirties something, doing life in Lichinga, Mozambique among the unreached Yao people group. M life is rewarding, and hard, and wonderful, and…..well, you know. So precious to connect with you and hopefully others on Velvet Ashes who are walking the same paths, even though in different parts of this big ole’ world. Thanks!
Jenn SO thankful you found me/us! I think we are each others kind of people :)!
Amy,
Would it be okay if I posted your litany “Wide Spectrum of Motherhood”on AllianceConnect (http://connect.allianceofbaptists.org/) ?
Thanks,
Kristy Pullen
Yes :). Gladly.
Hi Amy,
I came across your Open Letter to Pastors regarding Mother’s Day, and I love your litany to acknowledge the Acknowledge the wide continuum of mothering. Would it be alright if I used it as part of our worship service this Sunday? Thank you!
Peace,
Erin Stenberg
Erin, I’m glad our paths crossed! Yes, please feel free to use it, if I could just be credited in someway. Appreciatively, Amy
Hello Amy
Thank you for the grace and truth presented.
Watchman Nee in his book The Holy Spirit and Reality begins with taking the word “truth” and stating we should read “reality” in its place.
His book has been a challenge to me.
Hi Amy,
I have so appreciated your posts about Mother’s Day. I’m one of the worship arts pastors at our church and we always close our service on Mother’s Day with a prayer of blessing that captures the same “wide-spectrum” of mothering as your posts do. We modified your post slightly to turn it into a prayer and and have had several people ask if we can share it with them but wanted your permission to post if (and credit you of course.)
Yes :) … That’s fine. And thank you!
Amy, your article on ‘an open letter to pastors’ came across my facebook feed. wow!! Wonderful! It resonated in my heart. So Saturday night, (I tweaked it just a bit to fit our particular church) and my husband shared it on Sunday. It was well received. I then blogged about the changes we did this year for Mother’s Day. ( https://ggirod.wordpress.com/2015/05/10/mothers-day-done-different/) We had already changed our mother/daughter banquet to daughter’s of the King luncheon. I have had minister friends tell me that they want to use it also. I thought I had better let you know and check with you. I printed it on my blog and attached this website to your name. If, however, you would rather I do something different to make sure you are credited with it, I would be happy to. Just let me know.
It is a busy month for me but in June I fully intend to come back to your site and do some reading. :)
Gloria, it’s lovely :) … thanks! And you’re welcome here whenever you have time!
Hello,
This is Stephanie from HelloTalk(www.HelloTalk.com)-a language exchange learning App, we want to reach our APP to people who want to learn Chinese. So I’m writing this letter wondering if you can review/recommend our APP on your blog.
HelloTalk is an app which has over 1.3 million users worldwide and is similar to WhatsApp but has more features on language learning. Such as in-app translation, text-to-voice, voice-to-text, transliteration, and grammar correction, etc. With HelloTalk, one could learn and practice a language with native speakers.
Recently, a famous polyglot has written a review about our APP(http://www.fluentin3months.com/hellotalk-review/), possible your readers are looking for an APP like HelloTalk.
Please let me know your thoughts, I’m looking forward to your reply.
Sincerely,
Stephanie
http://www.HelloTalk.com
HelloTalk Media Kit
Hi Amy! I stumbled onto your Mother’s Day Litany through a google search. Thank you for this gift to the church! We have adapted it for worship and will print it in the bulletin as follows at the end of this post. Is this ok???? Thanks for all you do! Intern Pastor Bree
A Litany for Mother’s Day Adapted from Amy Young , http://messymiddle.com/
L: This is the day the Lord has made!
C: We will rejoice and be glad in it!
L: To those who are pregnant with new life,
C: we anticipate with you and pray that God will knit together the child in your womb.
L: To those who gave birth this year to their first child
C: we celebrate with you!
L: To those who lost a child this year. To those who experienced loss this year through miscarriage, failed adoptions, or accidents
C: we mourn with you.
L: To those who walk the hard path of infertility, fraught with pokes, prods, tears, hopes that are dashed and disappointment
C: we walk with you. Forgive us when we say foolish things. We don’t mean to make this harder than it is.
L: To those who are moms, foster moms, mentor moms, and spiritual moms
C: thank you! We need you. We appreciate you!
L: To those who experienced abuse at the hands of your own mother
C: we acknowledge your experience. We are sad with you. We hope for your healing.
L: To those who are caring for their mother’s in the midst of medical needs
C: God sustain you.
L To those who whose mother died this year or in years past
C: we grieve with you. Peace to you.
L: This Mother’s Day, everyday, we all walk together as the family of God. All are valued. All make a difference. For the mothers present and represented among us, we give extra thanksgiving today.
C: For their love, encouragement and strength, we thank the Lord.
L: Drawn together by the Spirit, we join with others as one family in worship, in prayer, in praise, in company. We come to worship God and to grow in faith together.
C: Let us love one another as God first loved us.
OH MY WORD, Bree, this is so beautiful!!!! Yes!! Would it be okay if I put this version on my blog so others can easily find it and use it? Say, “Adapted by Pastor Bree Truax.” Or would Vicar be better? Yes, God loves us!!!
Hi Amy!
I don’t know if you’ll remember me – Julia (Martin) from CO MOVES…. Anyway, a friend of mine shared a beautiful blog post on Mother’s Day that I read and when I got to the bottom and saw your picture I was floored! “I know her!!”
So excited to see how God is continuing to use you!!!!
Of course I remember you!!! So lovely to hear from you Julia :). I hope all is well with you. :)
Enjoyed the Mother’s Day Litany. I think we as females (whether we’ve given birth or not) mother fellow human beings. It’s in our DNA. On Mother’s Day I particularly celebrate my female friendships who are my “spiritual mothers”. Thanks for saying that in the litany. It really struck a chord in me.
Enjoy Mother’s Day!
Dear Amy
My name is Kevin Day. I pastor Calvary Chapel South in Kent WA.
http://www.ccskent.org
Yesterday in Mother’s Day Message: You Excel Them All,
– I used the phrases from a Shout Out to Mom blog
https://www.messymiddle.com/an-open-letter-to-pastors-a-non-mom-speaks-about-mothers-day/
– they were copied into an email that was sent to me.. apart from the actual blog.
– in using them, I did not give credit to you – someone pointed that out to me – and it’s weighing on my mind. I have strong convictions to always give credit.
So….
– I wanted to apologize to you.
– We have added the ‘credit’ to our website: http://subsplash.com/calvarychapelsouth/v/du9wwrq
– I am more than willing to remove the sermon all together, no problem.
Kevin Day
Hi Kevin, Apology accepted :)! I’m impressed you found me. The note on the website is great. No need to take down a great sermon. Thanks for checking. Amy
Amy – I wanted you to know that we included your Open Letter re Mother’s Day post on our Pomegranate Project Facebook Page. I’m glad it came our way. You might be interested in see what is there! Wishing you great peace, Mary Elizabeth
Amy – I wanted you to know that we included your Open Letter re Mother’s Day post on our Pomegranate Project Facebook Page. I’m glad it came our way. You might be interested in see what is there! Wishing you great peace, Mary Elizabeth