non-dads

Dear Friend,

I want to call you friend and not non-dad. If you’re like me, the term non-mom irks me because it focuses on what I’m not instead of what I am. I wasn’t going to write to you, I feel I’ve said my piece and my role is to help pastors navigate these waters. I was sitting outside reading as I enjoyed a morning cup of tea when i got a direct message on Facebook from a woman I don’t know.

She said:

You wrote about all the different scenarios of mothers on moms day. Today we are military and there are so many dads who have no children but would love them, some have them but they are far away or have been replaced. I’m struggling to find the words to tell the dads who can’t have children for health reasons why them being fathers to neighborhood kids or just role models. Can you please post something. Your words hit it right on the head with moms. I need to show these non dad s they have a place. Some lost their kid in an IED blast, several have tried for years and never had kids. Please help me help them.

Kenna  THANK YOU WITH LOVE

It’s the “thank you with love” that got to me. This woman doesn’t know me (but now she does, Hi Kenna!), but she sees you, she knows you, she cares for you, she wants you to know how much you mean to her. On behalf of Kenna, others who know you, and God who loves you beyond measure know this too:

  • Roles and titles are not the only way to make a difference. You don’t need a title to enter a life, all you need is time, compassion, and interest.
  • You matter, your story matters. You might have lost a child this year or years ago or never. Hallmark and Hollywood can’t help but share narrow stories, they only have two pages or a couple of hours. So when you story doesn’t match up to theirs, don’t measure yourself by them. You have pages and hours. Some days will be dull and disappointing, that doesn’t diminish you.
  • If there is one thing I know about being around kids, they blossom when they are around good, decent, kind men. We need you in tutoring programs, boys clubs, Sunday School classes, and Vacation Bible Schools. We need to you wrestle with the kids, laugh at their jokes, tell them to “knock it off.” Frankly, we don’t need more volunteers, we need more men. You are needed, please know that.
  • Your pain hurts. I know our societies can give mixed messages. Real men don’t cry. Real men show their emotions. Sorry for that. Your pain is a valid as a woman’s. Please feel free to express it however you need to for your personalty. If you want to cry, cry. If you want to drive around in your car alone and scream at God and the air and all that is WRONG, drive and scream. Just don’t keep pushing it down because your pain is valid.
  • So is your joy! The memories you have with kids, the laughs you have with your people, the inside jokes that no one else gets.
  • If you’re in the trenches with infertility, I’m sorry. To have to submit to questions and tests and have a part of you reduced to sperm count and sperm motility can cause you to believe all of you have been reduced. This is not true. Still, I’m sorry. I’m sorry for the ridiculous comments about sin, underwear choice, and biking.

You might be a non-dad by choice or by circumstance, but, like me, you’re a full human, not a partial one. You are a friend, a husband, a brother, a son, a warrior, a worker, a compassionate human, you are loyal, a son of the Most High God, and above all, you are loved.

Kenna, I know you’re one of many who want to reach out to your non-dad friends today. Thanks for the nudge.

With blessings, Amy

Categories: Holiday

Amy

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  1. Kenna June 21, 2015 at 9:50 am - Reply

    Once again you have put the words out there to heal so many. I’m proud to have crossed your path.
    Your friend , with a huge heart and love, Kenna
    I will share this with many!

  2. Nita Kulesau June 21, 2015 at 12:07 pm - Reply

    Wow! A VERY well written piece. Amy! I’m sure it will touch the hearts of many men.

  3. Kris Williams June 22, 2015 at 9:50 am - Reply

    Amy,

    Yesterday, as my husband and I endured all the Father’s Day wishes and my strong man said for the fifth time — no I’m not a dad, my heart broke. We never know what to do. We usually sit out Mother’s Day and Father’s Day — usually because we are not with our parents.

    Thank you my friend. We are more than our reproductive organs. More than a title.

    Kris

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