Howdy gang,
Thanks for the help with opposites! I plan to work on an updated list and float it by you next week. Today I want to share a passage from the book I’ve written. Three ways you can help:
- Comment — what did you think? Are there parts that work more than others?
- Are you a pre- or post-griever? I’m conducting an informal poll and wondering if there are more of one than the other.
- Share — thanks for helping this get out there and help people handle transitions!
Amy
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It is not only the most difficult thing to know oneself, but the most inconvenient one, too. –H.W. Shaw
The two-sided coin for relationships when you live overseas is that you get to meet a lot of wonderful people but you find that they rotate in and out of your life more so than the average person living in America. For the most part I have been the one staying with others going. Years ago, I was preparing to return to the States for a three year stint. Coincidentally, my dear friends were doing the exact same thing, departing for three years. Having someone going down such a parallel path was a rarity and provided an interesting and unintended “emotional” laboratory as my friend Anne and I reacted so differently to the upcoming return to the US.
As the months went by and the move became more eminent I cried during some of our conversations while Anne never shed a tear (I’m not just being dramatic in my retelling, she literally never cried, in stark contrast to the Tissue Queen, aka me, so I noticed). Anne and her family were leaving a few days before I would and had invited a Chinese friend and me over for dinner the last night in their home. Xiao Wu, a guy in his mid-20’s, and I couldn’t stop the tears. I’m sure you’re getting the picture that this was a really fun meal, she commented sarcastically.
What struck me is that again, Anne didn’t cry. I knew she’d miss me. Well, I thought she’d miss me. I certainly hoped she’d missed me and that our friendship had impacted her in some way that would lead her to grieve that we wouldn’t be a part of one another’s daily lives for a while. Was it too much to ask for one, small tear? Just one?
And then we parted ways. I returned to Colorado and she with her family to Connecticut. I had a fairly smooth transition and moved on “to the next thing” without too much trouble. Anne, however, had a bit of a rougher go.
This is when I first became aware that there are pre-grievers and there are post-grievers. It’s not that everyone doesn’t grieve, we all do, but the timing of grief can be disarmingly different. I was a pre-griever so by the time I had left that phase of my life, I had pretty well mourned what was coming to an end and had created (unbeknownst to me) the space for the next thing. Anne is a post-griever. Her grieving process didn’t start until after she had left China and she had the challenge of mourning China in Connecticut surrounded by people who were happy to be with her and her family.
Both wirings have wonderful parts that make the other side jealous and some real downsides.
Pre-grievers are able to say good-bye to people and places in person and are able to move on to the next thing; it also makes sense to those around them why they are grieving –as the on-lookers to the process knowingly nod, hand a tissue and understanding, “you will be leaving soon and you will miss me so much. Of course you’re sad. Who wouldn’t be?” The downside is that the last weeks and months are more of an emotional roller-coaster for those (especially post-grievers) around them.
Because post-grievers don’t start the grieving process until after a change has occurred, they get to end the phase they are in more emotionally together. One benefit of this style is that they are more able to focus and get things done. The downside is that when they enter the grieving process they are often surrounded by people who don’t fully understand what it is that is being grieved because they are surrounded by the new environment.
You can see how this can add to the messiness when a pre-griever is in relationship with a post-griever. Friends of mine were preparing to send their first child off to college and responding to the upcoming transition in their family very differently. Understanding that the husband is a pre-griever and the wife a post-griever helped to make sense of their different reactions. It wasn’t that the wife wouldn’t miss Sara or that the husband was having troubles letting her go or that either one of them was wrong in the way they were grieving. But it can get complicated when your grieving cycles are more than a little bit off. As with other preferences, it will be tempting to judge the other style. You don’t care as much as I do! Can’t you show a little emotion? Why can’t you hold it together more? How can you pack up our whole life so calmly? Why can’t you do one thing without talking about how much you’ll miss this or that?
People are rarely an entirely pre-or post-griever; most of us are left with strong leanings mixed with forays into the other style. As you look back over other transitions you have gone through, what memories float to the surface that might point to one or the other?
I now understand why I was a basket case the last day of school every year. I sobbed like a fool in the girl’s bathroom with other pre-grievers. What were we going to do with those long boring summer days and who wouldn’t want to stay in fourth grade FOREVER?! Yes, part of this is pre- and adolescent girl drama; however, because I am a pre-griever the next day I was up and at ‘em filling my days with the wonders of summer vacation.
I also recall my mom walking in on me crying one day and wondering what was wrong. I was just thinking about how sad I’d be when my cat Patches would die … many years in the future, it turned out! Clear signs of being a pre-griever long before I could even name, let alone explain, what was going on. Likewise there are probably experiences you’ve had that point to being a pre-or post- griever.
Thinking back, are you more prone to distance yourself from those close to you before a transition or after it? Do you cry, become short, or feel paralyzed before or after an event?
What changes would you suggest to the passage? Thanks again for your help!
Really interesting and makes a lot of sense. With that in mind, I’m not sure which one I am! I think I’m a pre-griever. I like to anticipate everything. That explains that even though I tried to bring on tears when I dropped our daughter at college (because ‘everyone’ is a basket case as they drive away!), there were none. Thanks for bringing this up!
Gayle — thanks for the specific example. I love hearing snippets from others lives :)
Hi Amy,
I’m not sure how I ended up on your blog, but I’m glad I did. It was very interesting.
As an oncology nurse for most of my 30 years in nursing, I find this pre/post-grieving issue interesting. I definitely see it in my field of work. And I know for myself I am definitely (and always have been) a pre-griever. Since I deal a lot with patients that’s cancer is usually very advanced, I know when I first meet them that I will most likely watch them eventually lose their battle against their disease.
With the patients I get close to, I find it very easy to talk about their impending death when the time comes that they can no longer receive treatment and go more towards hospice care. Often I will cry with them and speak to them of how much they have influenced my life and the things I admire about them. I work through my feelings ahead of time which usually means I don’t often cry when the day finally comes that one of them dies.
I have seen how the different ways of grieving has sometimes caused great difficulties between family members as a pre-griever blames a post-griever for not caring or appearing callous. Often I have seen the “post-griever” of the family be the one that is focused on all the things that has to be done physically for the patient during their last days and then following death, all the planning of arrangements, etc. But these are the ones that can totally implode after the dust settles. When there is no longer anything for them to “do”, then the feelings of grief hit like a ton of bricks. By then the sibling, or other family member is moving on.
I try to prepare families for these differences in handling illness and dying and finally death. And stress that there isn’t a right or wrong in all of it, just a difference that requires tolerance, love and support.
Thanks for the things you share.
Tammy
Tammy, this comment is deeply appreciated. I didn’t want to overstep and assume that end of life grieving might have the same patterns as other types of grieving, so it’s quite helpful to hear from those of you for whom this is your area of expertise. Thanks for taking the time to thoughtfully spell things out!
I’m a pre-griever, Aaron is a post griever. :) This was really helpful for us when you spoke on it two years ago, something we’d never identified before. Thrilled to see you putting it in book form!
I stumbled a bit over the sentence: “Years ago, dear friends and I…” Maybe something like this? “Years ago, I was preparing to return to the States for a three year stint. Coincidentally, my dear friends were doing the exact same thing, departing for three years.” Obviously a minor change.
Love the passage!
Danielle … thanks for the feedback that it was help AND how to make that sentence smoother :). Appreciate it and YOU!
I think I am a little of both but more of a post-griever. Before leaving for China last summer, I spent as much time with everyone as I could because I knew I was going to miss them but it didn’t really hit me until I got to the airport and was saying goodbye to my parents, then I broke down a little. However, after I got to Beijing I was back to normal and plugging away at training. I wouldn’t say I reached the paralyzed point until November.
So I’d have to say, there were a few moments of pre-grief but the bulk of the process was post-grieved.
I love that distinction — a few moments vs. the bulk. Yes, yes, yes, we will have bits of both, but tend to be a more in one camp or the other. Thanks Brian, nice to see you here!
Amy ~ as always, I’m so impressed with your insights and wisdom and love the way you express yourself, in person and on paper :)
Coming from my PDP training, I’m curious to think about this in relation to a measurement called “Energy Styles” that we identify. I’m going to begin asking people who are High Allegiance if they are pre- or post-grievers and see if there is any correlation ~ maybe not but I suspect there might be. Thanks for this :)
Debra, I love that you are making connections with other areas of life! Now I’m curious to know more about “energy styles.” When will you be in BJ next?
I think I’m a pre-griever. I’m not sure. I do know that before leaving my job of 16 and a half years almost three years ago I made a conscious effort to enjoy my “lasts” – my last first day of school, my last Pilgrim Day, my last basketball season, my last spring concert, my last 4th grade field trip to the Statue of Liberty, etc. I knew I could focus on what I would miss out on in the future and not enjoy the present experience. I still did cry quite often. Yet once I was in my new surroundings I realized there were things that I missed terribly that I never thought of while still in the States. I missed ease of conversation, being around families, being able to interact with kids, being able to just take a drive to clear my head, etc. Maybe that’s more culture shock. I also know that when I went back to the States I grieved even harder not being a part of what was happening in my former school. I have also recently cried a bit about anticipated changes in my life next school year because of the transitory nature of life here.
Kristi, Kristi, Kristi!! You’ve opened up a whole new room in my head :) or way of thinking/categorizing. Wow. I hadn’t made a distinction before between things I can anticipate and those I don’t realize I’ll miss. Like you said, the ease of conversation. I didn’t realize how much I’d miss the simple pleasure of driving — now I need to ponder on this all the more. :). Love how ideas bounce and grow!
Your post reminded me of an article I wrote when my chickens started getting killed a couple of years ago. I think I am a pre-mourner. I think it was a form of self-protection of my emotions.
http://dianeestrella.com/feeling-helpless/
Diane, good point — that sometimes (often?!) we are
protecting
processing
and sometimes a bit of both!
And sometimes a bit of neither :)
A
I would say I am a little bit of both but mostly a post-griever. Very similar to what Brian wrote. When I am making/doing a major change, I often spend a lot of time with those whom I am closest with. It is usually afterwards that I grieve those that I left behind or no longer have around me. I have the tendency to get very focus and get the job done when in the middle of making changes. I think that is what helps me not to pre-grieve.
Thanks
Rhonda, you and Brian have given me lots to think of. Are there other advantages you’d add to being a post-griever? Since I’m not one, I don’t want to underchange (charge?) post-grievers!
I think for myself being a post-griever is tied in with being an introvert. It is the holding back emotions and processing them privately. Post-grieving does help me to enjoy the company of those I am with and to treasure those moments deeply. I look to make the most of every moment I can. It helps me to create fresh and new memories to take with me. This helps with the grieving later, gives me the smiles I need to carry on.
Ah, this is an interesting thought. I find that I do most of my grieving privately as well — even just tonight I teared up walking home from the gym, but was sure to have myself pulled together by the time I hit campus.
Like Rhonda and yourself, I tend to grieve privately as well. Does that impact if you are post-griever or pre-griever? I don’t know, I suppose it could.
Advantages? Well since I was not distraught before I left, I was really able to enjoy every moment I had with my family and friends. I have a million happy memories from the last couple months before I left, like the trip to NYC with my sister and my best-friend, working on the house with my second parents, and goin’ to the pistol range with my Dad. Also upon arrival, I would Skype almost daily. So maybe the post-grief helped me stay in touch with everyone back home.
Amy, I had never really thought about this concept until recently but I have come to realize that for the most part, I am a pre-griever. I have found that when I am with people who do not seem to be grieving that I wonder why they are not also crying so this helps me understand where they are coming from and not judge them. The time that leads up to the event is hard for me but once the event takes place then I am ready to move on. You could call me a tissue queen also. With us going home for a year home leave, I have set up a loose bucket list of people I want to see before we go to the states. It will be the relationships that will be hard to leave.
Soundra, I love that you have a list of people! I can relate!!
Absolutely a pre-griever! My colleagues back home knew that I started mourning the departure of our students in February–so I could be stoic in May. I don’t know why, but I think that I anticipate many things before they happen; kind of live in the future too much. On the positive side, I really am able to move on to the next thing afterward.
One caveat: when something unpredictable happens that I could not anticipate, I generally fall apart for several days immediately following the incident (I had a student die suddenly once). Anticipatory anxiety actually serves me in some cases. I would rather not be rudely awakened.
It might be interesting to compare this poll with who is a crier or not. I rarely cry in the middle of the crisis or afterward.
Ah Lori, you bring up two great points:
1. Ability to anticipate
2. Crying or not
On the second … I wonder if there is an age factor. I find that I “leak” more as I age. Has anyone else found that to be the case? Or that you “leak” less?
I think that circumstances dictate which I am. In some areas, I am consistently a post-griever; in others I am a pre-griever. Worry about the future usually causes the pre-grieving as you mentioned about your cat. Emptiness after the change is what drives me to post-grieve. As I read this, I was reminded of King David and his reaction as his first son by Bathsheba was dying as a consequence of David’s sin. His comment after his son died resonates with me in many of my circumstances–once I can no longer change the outcome, I can let it go.
Christi, thanks for adding to the conversation! Emptiness — that’s a helpful benchmark/sign post! I love it and I’m going to start noticing it more and seeing what other connections you’ve helped bring about.
I am a Post – post griever. Things usually hit quite awhile after the transition, but I am definitely a post griever.
When you say “quite a while” — what does that time frame look like for you? xx
Months…sometimes even a whole year. It’s long enough so that no one around me seems to know what my sadness is related to.
Amy, what an interseting concept you brought up! you are such an observer and superthinker of life. I guess I am more a pre-griever. Last year when its getting close for me to leave the states for china, I became sadder and anxious to spend more time with friends. I was also haunted by the anticipation of getting my new apartment done, dealing with some unfortable stuff and fitting myself into Chinese style again. Ironically I couldn’t fully enjoy my time there when I tried best to have a good one. But I think when circumstances change, I am a post-griever, too.
Chunmei, thanks for sharing your experience with this topic!
I think a little bit of both. I was pre-grieving when I moved this last time. Often I can pack up and hold it all together because of the excitement of the new thing. Then, when things settle down a bit, I have time to grieve for all the people/things missed. I would say before when I am anticipating the loss, and after when I have time to actually realize the loss.
Sarah, thanks for helping to flesh this concept out more!
Thank you. I think I am a post griever and now I can be more attune to these variations in grief paths and not feel guilty for not crying when saying goodbye and so on.
Tami, this is exactly my hope :) … that we understand ourselves and each other more so that as we go through these difficult times we don’t inadvertently make it worse. In my organization, as I’ve noticed and spoken on this, even kids now will say things like “I’m a pre-griever” (or not) and it’s collectively helped us. May you be part of the movement of spreading the word :)! And welcome! Amy
Some times situations dictate whether one is a pre or a post griever. It seems my personality is as a pre-griever my dad has inoperable brain cancer and we loose him by inches day by day. It is easier to grieve now but you can’t allow yourself to be be overwhelmed for long because there is still caregiving to do. It will be a relief later because he won’t be suffering any more. On the other hand, Not too long ago my uncle had a heartack while swimming and was gone in an instant leaving us all in shock. there was no build up no expectation only emptyness in the aftermath it takes an entirely different kind of process to er..process. a sudden break of the way things hits you all at once then tapers off slowly. pre-grievers face a stedily building creshenco. Just goes to show there are different coping meccenisms and ways and to adjust and find a new normal. And as you mentioned it is important to remember that different people approach the same situation in different ways so we need to have compassion and understanding for people who react differently and not judge them by our standards.
Susan … first of all, I’m sorry for the loses you are experiencing now! I’m wondering if grieving people is different than grieving events OR even the distinction between grieving something expected as opposed to something that it unexpected. Thanks for participating in the discussion!
Amy, this is a really wonderful post and I’m happily sobbing as I type this. Sobbing, because my sweet angel dog died six months ago, …and happily, because now I dont feel like I’m some kind of a freak for being a “post-griever”. Being a post-person raised in a family of pre-people, I often got my griefs clipped short with admonitions that “You had to have seen this coming, so just stop crying”, and “It’s over, time to buck up”. All I learned from that was to hide my grief, but have since learned that post-grieving is ok and that I dont have to nurse my griefs forever but can process them. And now with your post about post- AND pre-people, I have more compassion on my family (and some friends) in their grief preferences. And as an extrovert, I’ve also learned that I need other methods of expression beside talking my friends ears off, in the processing of many of lifes happenings (not just griefs), for instance writing, painting, and drawing.
BTW, I’ve found that I’m also more “leaky” in my old age. But so was my Great Aunt in her later years, so I feel her support (from beyond now) in that. So keep those tissues in your budget girl. With love
PS I occasionally nostalgically think of you telling your b.boils story in training, or instructing us to say “Release” with wide high arm circles, up and away, when we think of our cross-cultural slips or embarrassments. And those thoughts of you come with a happy memory, not grief, of having been in the wake of your encouragement and understanding. Thank you, for then, and for the Messy Middle, where I still live. And may you also be powerfully blessed with love, understanding, encouragement, and so much more. In His Love
Thanks again.
Oh … that “release!” … it lives on. BUT it is a great reminder, isn’t it :). Debbie, I’m grateful our paths have crossed again and we are able to reconnect in the forum!
Perhaps a late comment here, but I just realized this semester that I’m a post-griever and it’s so good to finally put a name to my funky emotions in the final months of many spring semesters and why short summers in America are so hard! I’ve realized lately that my post-grieving is due to my internal processing. It’s hard for me to really realize what is happening to me during a transition and when there is a lot of transition it takes me longer to internally process it. I don’t fully internalize what is happening until it finally happens and then I can begin to really process it and grieve. I always thought I was a pre-griever because I have uncontrollable emotions as a transition is coming my way – but really those funky emotions are my lack of being able to process what is happening to me. It’s not that I’m grieving yet, I’m just going through something hard that my head/heart can’t really understand yet! Now that I’ve finally realized my post-grieving tendencies, I think I can plan my summer better and include a little “emotional breakdown recovery” time rather than just having a messy summer!
Valerie, your comment makes me happy … this is exactly what I hope happens! That we know ourselves better so that we can work with our God given personalities instead of against them. Glad this was helpful to you :)
I’ve just stumbled across your blog Amy (got hooked by your post about Mothers Day – THANK YOU!!!) – you’ve put a voice to some things that I haven’t understood before about myself, and about this crazy world we live in. I’m also living cross-culturally and am a pretty strong pre-griever. But over the years I’ve found this has stopped me from truly living in and experiencing the moment, so I’ve tried hard to push down those grief feelings so that I can do that . . . fairly successfully at times! But the negative result of this is potentially not grieving at all, and I have found myself sometimes weeks, months or even years later with grief and sadness that I can’t pinpoint – and it can be hard to get back to the source!!! So would be interested in thoughts about how to live well in the moment and processing grief well at the same time!
Interesting post! Never thought of it in pre/post terms, though I have been through many transitions and losses over the years including having often moved countries and cultures. I don’t think crying is always indicative of grieving vs not grieving. Sometimes you are grieving so deeply, to cry would open the floodgates, and I find that people around you often don’t know how to handle that….. So sometimes it’s better to keep it in- other times that proves impossible.
My experience has also been that the more transitions and losses occur, esp if several in quick succession, you tend to put a protective barrier around your heart. You try and minimise getting attached in the first place, so sometimes the response pre or post may seem unfeeling when it is in actual fact far from that.
I went through grief for about 2 months just after getting back from our honeymoon. It was so confusing for me (and for my poor husband worried about me being so teary and wondering what he was doing wrong!). But looking back I can see that I wasn’t disappointed or unhappy to be married or needing to go back in time and stay single, it was just that I needed time to process the loss of many ‘independences’ I had been used to. Finding compatible jobs, schedules, even household items was so much more complicated than it had been previously – not to mention suddenly having to get used to making joint decisions about a raft of things.
Now we are thinking of adding to our family in the next year or 2, and I am trying to be a pre-griever about the losses and/or challenges that will come with that. All in the hope of limiting the amount of time I spend dealing with both life-change grief and pregnancy hormones/exhaustion/possible fertility challenges/a crying baby!
Deb — I love this example! And I’ll be curious to hear if you’re able to will some pre-grieving. I really would like to hear :). THis has got me thinking …
What a great way of looking at the grieving process! You literally have caused a lightbulb to go off for me – AAAHHHH I am a PRE-griever?!? Right!
Full-disclosure: I am a big crier too, regardless of there being grief involved or not. That being said, I definitely grieve events way before they happen. Case in point, I will often tear up over the fact that my kids, 6 and 4, are growing up so quickly. That they will no longer snuggle with me in bed eventually, that they will go to college one day. Sometimes I even cry over their (clearly not impending and hopefully in the looooong distant future) death. Talk about anticipating.
On the flip side I am great in a crisis. I don’t panic and can stay calm and deal with the situation at hand. Once it’s over I fall apart.
In addition to the downsides you mentioned to being a pre-griever, another problem I see (and experience) is that it takes me out of the moment of NOW. So instead of enjoying really FULLY what my kids are like, I worry that I am spending too much time missing them in the future. If that makes any sense.
Jennifer! I love this comment and insight. I’m also good in a crisis … I wonder if there is any connection?! Thanks for adding to the discussion. I’ve got stuff to think about now :) Amy
Thank you so much for a wonderful article. I am the Volunteer Coordinator for a Hospice organization. Part of our orientation and training for our volunteers is devoted to bereavement and the grief process. This is such a great way to look at grief in so many areas, but it also pertains to what we deal with on a daily basis. We can usually identify the pre-grievers and the post-grievers; I’ve just never thought of it in the way you expressed. Would it be okay with you if I used some of your comments and observations in either my training or inservices that I provide for my volunteers?
Thank you again for sharing your thoughts. I look forward to reading many more of your writings.
Barbara
Barbara, this would delight me greatly — this is my hope, to help other understand themselves and others so that as we go through rocky times we can … if nothing else, not at to the pain and difficulties with misunderstanding. AND as you have more to add to the conversation, please come back and share! This is a work in progress.
Hi Amy,
I stumbled across your blog this week via your Mother’s Day post. As I was reading, my breath sort of caught in my throat–this is so appropriate to the season I’m living right now. I am mostly a post-griever. I suspect that’s because I had a very traumatic childhood, and I coped by dissociating in the moment and employing dissociative amnesia for roughly 20 years. When you cope by not engaging with trauma, you can’t really be a pre-griever. I wonder, too, if maybe our preference develops in correlation with the age at which we’re first exposed to significant transition/loss and probably also the frequency of loss. If you are exposed to significant losses when you’re too young to have much concept of the past, or you have distinct reasons to grieve with a (relatively) high frequency of occurrence, I think it’s harder to anticipate what you’re going to need to grieve.
Maybe I’m a fairly unusual case… I’m a post-griever who’s often surprised with *how* post- the grief happens. This past week was one of those times. 29 April was my due date with a baby I miscarried in September of last year. I expected grief on that day, and so was sort of prepared to cope with it. What I wasn’t prepared for was the 5th anniversary of my first miscarriage on 3 May. I thought I had processed and grieved for that child fairly well. No, I *have* processed and grieved fairly well. Yet there I was last Friday, curled up in my bed weeping. It’s really strange to me. I understand having that sort of reaction the day that would (possibly) have been each child’s birthday–the milestones that will never be are much more present in my awareness on those days than on most days. I don’t get why I needed to relive the day of that first miscarriage.
I guess what I’m trying to say is that the one thing I’ve learned is consistent, when dealing with grief, is that it surprises.
Jessa, thanks for helping to tease these ideas out further! I agree, that regardless of pre- or post- style, grief does surprise.
This has been very insightful to me. Seven years ago, my husband and I left the church he had pastored for thirteen years with our two children, then 14 and 11, to move to a capital city about a 3 hour plane ride to your north. This is a phenomena we have noticed in our family. My husband is a total pre-griever, which serves him well because he can move on to the next thing and do what has to be done when he gets there. My son starts grieving later than my husband, but his carries over into the post-grieving for a time. I worry some about my daughter, because I know she grieves, but I don’t always know when or how. I am a post-griever, but that has worked well for me (well, if you want to call grieving working well). Over the past seven years, we have said way more good-byes than I had in my previous forty combined. I feel like just when I stop grieving for one, a new one presents itself. Currently, I am grieving leaving my children on their own in the US and returning here as an empty nester (and thanking God for your Mother’s Day blog).
My husband and I used to laugh because of our different sleep schedules. He is a sound sleeper until about 4 a.m. I am a sound sleeper after that, so it worked out well when we had babies, because one of us always heard them! We were grateful God put us together. It seems God even knew what He was doing in creating us to grieve differently. My work is always to pack up and prepare. There is just often too much to do to be incapacitated by grief. My grief usually starts when I have finished unpacking.
It’s always helpful when someone else verbalizes your experience. Even giving it a label like pre and post grieving helps. It validates it in a sense. So, thanks for your blog. If you’re interesting, here is one I wrote when I first began to experience this.
http://www.remembermongolia.org/renee/?currentPage=7
Thanks Renee’ — I’ll check our your blog tomorrow :)
I’m a pregriever for sure! love this! super helpful.
Good thoughts. I was struck by your experience with Anne, as you noted that she didn’t cry. For me, the biggest issue I’ve had with differences in grieving is precisely this one. I am NOT a crier. Yet I do grieve deeply. I think I am mostly a pre-griever, but it may not appear that way to others. In my most recent move, I was deeply saddened over leaving a very close friend. She happens to be a serious crier. She cries at the drop of a hat. So in the last couple of weeks before I left, almost every time we got together, she wept and I didn’t. I was feeling plenty of grief myself, however. So it could be a bit awkward and lead to all kinds of misunderstandings about how much we care about each other. Fortunately we know each other well enough that she understood that I was grieving as well. I think that understanding how and when you grieve is very important, as well as being able to communicate that with your loved ones. So much misunderstanding happens when we can’t see these differences. We need to recognize that we each grieve in a very unique way and that each person’s grief is completely valid.
“We need to recognize that we each grieve in a very unique way and that each person’s grief is completely valid.” Yes, yes, yes!
Hey Amy! I know it’s months late, but I’m now preparing to go back to America after my first (and possibly only) year in China. I find that I am a pre-griever generally, and find myself currently moping around the house here, waiting to leave and not wanting to talk with anyone.
I think, too, that my pre-grieving is tied to my (sometimes almost paralyzing) fear of the unknown. Especially after college, my life was a clean slate of possibilities and it terrified me. I have a little more info this time about where I’ll live and what I’ll be doing, which helps me tremendously.
Thanks for sharing your insights!
Elizabeth, never too late to comment :). Glad that these thoughts have helped AND for the insights on fear of the unknown!
Found you through your post on the OneWord365 blog. This is fascinating! I’m totally a pre-griever and have never thought about it in these terms before. Thanks for giving us another framework to understand people better.
And thank You Brenda for letting me know how we connected :)
Hello Amy!
I stopped by your blog as a break from turning in my first lesson plan for CDP :) What a worthy study-break this is! So worthy, in fact, it’s been stretched to an hour long! Anyhow, I loved this. It truly spoke to my soul.
I am a pre-griever. I know this. I have known this since Andrew and I packed up our apartment in May and I sobbed over every cardboard box. That said, I’ve been puzzled by my emotions over the past few days of training – playing over the goodbyes with my family, wishing they’d been different somehow, feeling as though they were incomplete. Putting these recent feelings next to my pre-griever-ness is confusing and leads to even more negative emotions. And then, here it is:
“People are rarely an entirely pre-or post-griever; most of us are left with strong leanings mixed with forays into the other style.”
The goodbyes are many and they aren’t over yet. I have grieved much, but I haven’t even experienced the fullness of longing that will occur when I actually leave my homeland. Yet, somehow, even when there’s far more pain than anticipated, there’s peace and grace woven throughout this process. I’m thankful for that.