Me: Please take me to (and I give dirctions to the cab driver, all in Chinese)
Driver (after we’ve been driving for a while): So, is your family in China?
Me: Actually, I’m not married.
Driver (tilting rearview mirror to see me more clearly and muttering): But you look so normal.
True conversation. In all fairness to taxi drivers and random strangers, my singleness is socially odd in China. Virtually everyone is married by age 30 and as you near that date the pressure to marry can be extreme.
Today I’m over ad Ed Cyzewski’s In.a.mirrior.dimly, having a frank chat about my singleness. Because it is frank, I feel a bit exposed and I say things that not all are going to agree with. I’m not trying to be provactive, but to share from my experience. Please check it out and leave a comment, I really would like to hear your response.
“Why are you single?” I don’t know how often married people are asked why they are married, but I have a feeling it is less often than singles are asked the reasons behind their marital status.
It’s often followed up with “Are your standards too high? Have you been hurt? What vibes are you putting out?” Yes, to my face, out loud, these questions come. Sometimes condescendingly, other times in genuine wonder, trying to put together my awesomeness with my singleness.
My answer varies depending on my mood and depth of relationship. But in my rawest, most honest moments I say:
The can be found here: In which we have a frank chat about my marital status.
On a totally different topic, my friend Holly wrote about going on a hike with students and I. SIMPLY.MUST.SHARE. If you’ve lived in China, you’ve had one of those kind of experiences and if you haven’t, it’s a great peek into cross-cultural living. Read it here.
I do look forward to your thoughts, Amy
*Picture from Kalun L
Hi Amy,
I grok your situation. My wife is a pastor and we met after she was 30 — and she was pretty well convinced she was going to be single for the rest of her life. Indeed, a parishioner (… congregant? Whatever it is in Presbyterianism), upon meeting her two cats, commented, “Oh! An old maid with cats!” How’s that for tact?
She and I became friends on an online discussion and debate forum while I was still in grad school and she was in her first called position. Long story short, we hit it off and now we’re married. And although I will admit my experience is limited (data is not the plural of anecdote), many of my guy friends are like me and not threatened by or insecure regarding women in leadership roles. So, even if this is not a representative sampling, there is a subset of Christian men for whom a leadership role isn’t any kind of barrier to a deep relationship. On the contrary, faithfulness to one’s calling is a good indicator of personal integrity — a highly desirable quality.
All that is to say, there are possibilities (at least in the engineering and science communities). And, while there are men who are personally insecure, that is not a general attribute.
William, I come from a long line of engineers (wonderful men and women) so that strikes a warm chord with me! Thanks for sharing a bit of your story — I love hearing of others’ paths. It’s like being singing the psalms of assent as we go through life. Amy
It was frank, risky, and very much worth it because you’re telling an important, honest story that will certainly resonate with readers. Thanks for sharing it!
And thanks to you for creating space for such stories! Amy
“Why are you still married?” Many married people ask themselves that question from time to time (some daily, some less often.) We don’t often talk publicly about how hard marriage is, but we are fine with asking a confident Christian woman why she doesn’t join the club.
Oh Erin, I love you!
Nice job, Amy!! I resemble your thoughts, comments, and your experiences as a woman, Christian and leader – it isn’t easy, but it is what it is and it is the platform from which I live my life – from the platform through which I lead and am used by God. At this point in my life, the questions now are: “You mean you’ve NEVER been married?” “You’ve NEVER had children?” “How did that happen?” :)
Paula. Paula. Paula. As one who knew me back when I was hitting that glass ceiling for the first time, I am glad to publicly thank you for being a strong, attractive model. For inviting me (and others) into your home and modeling when a life sitting at the feet of the master could look like over the long haul. I am one of your spiritual children and I thank you.
wow, what a shocking cab ride! I can’t imagine. Wonder what they would say about me having kids “late in life”?
It often seems like people are unable to allow others to be happy (or at least joyful) where they are. We must always, for some reason, be looking ten paces ahead – or just ten paces in a different direction. Single people are rudely asked why they’re single, when will they marry? Married people are asked (often on their wedding day) when they’re going to have babies. After a first baby, are you going to have another? (so I’ve heard) Not only should we allow ourselves to enjoy the blessings of our “now,” the same should be given to others.
You have a whole heap full of awesomeness, and we are blessed to have you.
You have a whole heap of awesomeness too :) … just wish we lived closer!
You have put into words exactly how it is. With an MA in TEFL, I arrived in Central Europe when I was 26, became very much an ELT professional and Bible study teacher. Here, the Church has even a harder time with single women in general, and with those with leadership skills in particular, than in the US. While other missionaries (single or married men, or married couples) were asked to share and take part in ministry, my ‘role’ was the equivalent to ‘pew warmer’.
21 yrs later, nothing has changed. But I am settled (have never not been settled) with not being married and am grateful for the full life that Father God has given. I, too, cannot imagine it any other way.
There is one question or comment made by those wondering about our singleness that you missed.Usually asked in a roundabout manner, I have had people ask me if I don’t have an issue with my sexual orientation. Perhaps it’s never happened to you – and I pray it never does.
The Lord bless you, Amy.
LS, thanks so much for adding to the discussion! Not only for me, but there is slowly a growing group of Chinese singles and the question of sexual orientation does come up (both roundabout and directly). The Lord bless you too! Amy
Amy, it’s interesting that you bring up the growing group of Chinese singles. A couple of Chinese girls that I’m studying with have expressed concern as the topic of marrying (if one should marry) a Believer has come up. One post-graduate looked at me sadly and said, “In China, there just aren’t very many Christian men.” Honestly, I’m not sure the best words for these girls.
LeAnne P, it’s the same here. Few believing men and those that have grown up in the Church are not usually encouraged to take a new believer (from a non-Christian family) into their family life. It comes from long years of distrust/mistrust in those ‘outside’ the life of what I call the ‘tribal church’. I haven’t found the best words, as such. But we pray. For new young believing men, a new generation to arise and be heads of Christian homes, dads and husbands, men of God (married or single).
In the meantime, it’s hard. But we continue to pray.
Your posts always make me think because the are always very pointed and direct. I appreciate honesty even (maybe especially) when what is being stated may cause controversy.
In this case I’m not exactly sure on which side of the controversy my thoughts fall. I agree that it is often difficult for a strong woman to find a man who is confident enough in himself and his gifts to take the time to really get to know her let alone marry her. I am not in a position of real leadership, but I have found that unmarried men are often intimidated by me or they tend to put me in the “mommy role” even when the are within my age range. As a teacher the last thing I want is to be is “mommy” to a grown man. Married men are not intimidated and are even willing to offer help when needed.
However, God is sovereign. He has given the strong woman (and man) strength. He has or will equip His children with the gifts He knows will bless and make them a blessing. He has given some Christian women in leadership husbands and to others He’s given other gifts. To be married or not to be married is NOT the question. His will for our lives is THE question we each need to ask. We need to embrace the differences between men and women – between people in general, and realize that each of us can reflect the glory of God in a way that nobody else ever could. Christian, woman, leader, marriage, or singleness are all in His plan. One does not necessarily negate the others.
I realized in a listening exercise for a lay ministry program that as I had to keep biting my tongue (in order to keep listening), that each mental question I was coming up with was judgmental in nature. What a revelation that has been – in some respects those questions reflect societal norms but in other ways a judgmental heart or small-minded thinking (can’t see other paths).
Kudos to Erin – a friend recently said, “if we weren’t Christian, we wouldn’t be married.” I think I resemble that remark (speaking of being risky). And because my husband is a pastor, there’d be financial ramifications to divorce. Inertia, children, and money, opinions of others — all help keep us married. Yet I’d rather be married than single. But I can see the draw of starting all over with someone. Just like getting a new roommate in college. Or new team in China.
In our respective vocations, we are blessed to see that staying with is better than starting over. So we stay with.
Thank you for doing all this without man bashing too.
Thank you again for sharing. A good friend once said, when you’re vulnerable you make allies, not enemies. You’re living proof of that!
Gayle, you say so much so richly! and that last line, well that will keep wind in my sail all day!
You don’t mess around in the messy middle . Your thoughts will resonate. Shame on us for our attitudes toward the single woman!
I sometimes try … but it’s just not within me :). I often say that my family is both proud and nervous when I get up to speak because you never quite know what will come out of my mouth!
Thanks for the post Amy. I totally identify with the conversation, as I have had similar ones repeatedly with taxi drivers and students and teachers in China, especially as I have passed the point of no return-40. :) In fact, a student purposely gave me a book by a homosexual author as she thought “I could identify with this author’s thoughts.” Yikes… the assumptions they are many.
At least in China, usually the questioners are asking because they care about us, and we mess with their idea of what is meant to be. I think there are profound implications for the church (in any place that has a much higher ratio of females to males- like China or Mexico) as there must be a place for single females at any age, if they intend to stay true to His principle of not being unequally yoked. (Which many end up not abiding by, simply because of cultural expectations/ pressures from family.)
Beyond the cultural realm I am serving in here, definitely back in the States in the anabaptist sub-culture I am a part of, singlehood is also often seen as missing the mark of what a “woman’s highest calling” is– to be a keeper at home. So whether I am here or there, I do sometimes feel like I am between a rock and a hard place. Thankfully, the ultimate Rock is gracious to equip, to provide grace and to renew joy when pressures from within and without can seek to discourage.
Stephany, loved the “rock and a hard place” and the way you tie it back to the Rock! Amy
Some comments in which I am gently (I hope) critical. I am responding more to your blog post about being single.
1. Do you think that “I’ve lived in China for 15 years” might be another reason?
2. Your post came across (to me at least) as: “I’m a strong, outspoken leader and men just can’t handle that.” That sounded to me a little like, “I’m not going to change one bit when I have a relationship.” I suspect you DON’T really think that, but that was how the article felt to me. You can imagine how well my marriage would be going if I told my wife, “I’m a messy person, so you’re just going to have to get used to it.”
3. I think in general men do not mind (probably even like) being married to a strong woman. However, no one wants to be married to a bossy, overbearing woman (or man for that matter). “Just deal with my leadership gifts” gets a little too close to that line, I think. I guess what I’m saying is that your gifting can be either a detriment to a relationship or you can wisely use them to have an awesome, solid, God-glorifying relationship. The wise woman (and man) understands when and how to use that gifting in a relationship.
4. Any man worth is salt both WANTS to lead in a relationship AND have his wife use her giftedness to her fullest. You can (and probably will) end up in a great marriage, but of course not without the compromise that a good relationship takes, which I would assume for you will mean knowing how most wisely to use your leadership gifting.
5. No man down deep (and despite what the modern world would have us believe) feels fulfilled when he is ruled by his wife. Trust me on that.
6. All the best. You sound like a nice person, which is why I suspect that if you want to get married you will, be it sooner or later.
Sometimes it takes marriage to make a man a mature man …
The more you write, Amy, the more interesting you sound. If you ever get to SoCal, let me know. Would love to chat with you.
Rich, I don’t know when (if ever) I will, but if I do, I will let you know. Would like to meet you too. Amy
Thank you for this post. I found it most interesting. I’m 26, and very single. I often feel that Christian guys in general are looking for something different than what I am. And I often feel weird that I am very happy being single, although I am open to relationships.
It’s nice to hear you talk about your experience.
Thanks Colleen!
Wow, kudos to you for not pulling any punches. I know his ways and timing are perfect, and that’s about all the wisdom I can give. At some point, you’ll look back and see his hand upon you in this time.
“Sometimes it takes marriage to make a man a mature man …”
Sometimes it takes a humble woman to make a man marry.
The endless drone of women talking about their ‘strength’ and how men cannot ‘handle’ it is simply tired feminist whining.
If you were as strong as you think you are, you would be able to handle hearing why men are choosing not to marry.
Ceaseless complaining about the supposed immaturity of men is nothing more than a telling look into the vain pride that has nested in souls of so many Evangelical women.
I’m waiting for God to root that out of women before I will put a ring on any of their fingers.
In the meantime, ponder this:
Wouldn’t you laugh at a nerdy, socially awkward man who said this of the women who reject him? “Women just can’t handle an intellectual man!!”
Take your pride to the Cross, ladies, and crucify it there, as we are instructed.
Hi Amy! I’ve been lurking for a few weeks since I found you through some other blogs… and I love your blog! I lived in China for two years (2006 – 2008) teaching at a junior middle school so I can relate to many things! I hope the Lord takes me back there some day, but for now I’m planted in the US. This post, especially, resonated with me and I shared it with 4 of my close friends (all over 30, all lived in China for many many years, all believers, and all single). So many wonderful women that will understand exactly where you are coming from. Thank you for the courage to be an encouragement to so many! As small of a world as the expat community is in China, I would bet we have mutual friends if we looked long enough. :)
Hi Aubree, wow, we do have several things in common and it does sound like we might have mutual friends! Thanks for sharing with others and warmly welcome you to comment any time you want! :) Amy
I think your statements may be true even if only two of the three facts are there: strong and woman often *seem* like enough to make the marrying thing trickier than it might be otherwise. Or maybe it’s strong, woman and passionate (no matter the form that the passion takes)? I will admit that my #1 “wished upon a star” from about 21 on was finding the right man, but it wasn’t until 38 that I did.
That sounds a lot like “you just wait, your prince will come” but that’s not what I mean. I mean that your path may be different because you bring so much to the party. I always thought of it this way: if I’d been “rounder” (softer edges, in a metaphysical sense…less opinionated, less “sure”, less definitive about what I wanted and needed), I may have been married eons ago. Round is easier. Round has no pokey edges.
But pokey edges I have, and plenty of them. So it took a while for me to meet someone whose pokey bits of his own fit with mine (that sounded obscene, and I didn’t mean that either).
As I got older, I did get a little rounder. It didn’t come in the form of being less “me”, but in being able to see what others would see (so I could choose a less “pointy” approach when it wasn’t as important). That may have helped too…
What was I saying? Oh yeah — your path is different, but I have faith in it.
Thanks Gina :)
Hi Amy! I just randomly found this blog, enjoyed reading this post immensely, looked at your picture and realized, hey, I know her! I’m not sure if you remember me…I was in the UTP in Zhengzhou from 2000-2002. It was a long time ago, but I remember your awesomeness (you certainly blessed me in a lot of ways when I was serving in China!). Anyway, I just wanted to say that I appreciate you sharing your story so honestly. Over the past year, I have had many conversations on the topic of singleness both within and outside of the church. Somehow it seems like the topic is almost considered taboo among many Christians. Whether we decide consciously or unconsciously, we just don’t talk about singleness in church very often. Every year I hear a sermon about marriage, but rarely about singleness. My pastor challenged me to change that last summer (definitely a risky business–I felt very exposed as well!), and I was overwhelmed by the positive response I got from church members, single and married, male and female. Clearly it is an issue that should not be shoved into the shadows. So I am glad to see someone else who is speaking out about this and who is not making apologies for who she is. Thanks for sharing!
Christy!!!! I do remember you and those days in Zhengzhou. And I’m so delighted you randomly found this blog and me :). Wish I could have been there to hear you speak. Fondly, Amy
Amy,
Hi! I’m Debbie Holloway, the Family Life Editor for Crosswalk.com (one of many Salem Web Network websites). Today I found your singleness-in-ministry post over at Ed’s blog, and love it. Is there any way you’d be willing to let us re-post that on Crosswalk’s Singles channel? I think it would be an awesome fit – and very original. Shoot me an email and let me know.
Thanks so much! And blessings.
~Debbie
(deborah.holloway@salemwebnetwork.com)