Cross cultural Archives - The Messy Middle

Cross cultural, Learning lessons, Messy Middle

Count Your Blessings {and a survey}

Hello Messy Middle friends,

Before we jump into the meat of this post, I have a request. After writing Looming Transitions to help people in cross-cultural service with their transitions and All the News to help them stay on the field via good communication with supporters, I want to help people navigate their first year on the field. In December I’m going to start (and hopefully make good progress) on a book geared especially for the first year on the field. Every year on the field is unique and special, but like other “firsts” in life, that first year on the field is often in a category unto itself. If you live or lived on the field, could you help by taking this survey? It should take 10-30 minutes depending on how much detail you want to go into. Thank you in advance for sharing your experiences with others! Here is the survey.

This week is Thanksgiving in America. I wrote the following years ago in the midst of a very crazy season on the field. Making lists in November of what I was thankful for became an annual discipline to train myself to not miss the ordinary blessings in my life. I wrote:

Still, in the midst of the craziness, I am conscious that I truly do have much to be thankful! Limiting myself to this past week, here are several random pieces of life that I am thankful for:

—Getting to see new things in China. I had never been to Inner Mongolia, the province that borders Mongolia. The population is pretty evenly split between Mongolians and Han Chinese … racial tension does exist. As an outsider, it was cool to see all of the signs in Chinese and the old Mongolian script (not the Cyrillic style that is used in Mongolia). KFC in English, Chinese, and Mongolian! You don’t see that every day.

—Mutton! I’m thankful that I don’t live in a place where the main meat option is mutton (um, like Inner Mongolia). Man, but that is “meat with an attitude”!

—I’m thankful that my job includes the excitement of going out to see and encourage teachers and the fun of heading home and knowing when you wake up on the last day of a trip “tonight I’ll sleep in my own bed.”

—The hand-knit sweater my Chinese Mama made me – it weighs about five pounds (not an exaggeration!!!) but on cold days like today, it warms me outside and in. How many people have two mothers who really love them? Wow.

—Popcorn. Ok, that was my lunch today! But I love being an adult without children so I can eat what I want without having to set a nutritional example :-).

—Chocolate, Stain Remover Stick, and a commentary on British Lit. Isn’t that a great list?! It is what the team I’m visiting tomorrow has asked me to bring them. And it just about sum up what’s important in life!

—Indonesian Dancing. Last night a former student invited me to a dance performance at Beijing University. We’ve been doing a lot together recently – she has a tender spirit and knows where I stand on things but has no real interest in them herself … but I keep hoping!

—Playing CARDS! The same student and her boyfriend came over Saturday night for dinner and to play cards. They taught me a Chinese card game that is very similar to hearts … only I found out the hard way that you don’t want both the Queen of Spades AND all the hearts. The Queen is a ton of negative points regardless!

—Pumpkin bread and helpers! I’ve been cooking down pumpkin to make pumpkin bread for teams when I got to visit them. Saturday Gabe (age 4) and Nate (age 2) helped me by stirring and dumping as I made my bread for my next round of travels.

—My students!! Have I mentioned how much I LOVE them??? Well, I do. Today they handed in papers on their beliefs about reparations, finishing off that unit. How can you not love someone who write:

“Firstly I thank teacher Amy to give us some articles about reparations and these materials make us discuss, know different opinions.”

“In this unit we learned five articles, all of which focused on the understanding of reparation. I was a little shocked and excited to know these all, in such a direct way. I mean, just at one time, all these different (even opposed) opinions rushed into my brain and shook my former perspective strongly.”

—My job! I often think that I have the BEST job in our organization. I get to teach students and encourage our teachers … what is not to love. Wow. I feel that so much of what I do does make a difference and I know that not everyone can say that about their job.

I was given a promise earlier this fall by a friend when I was going through a rough period. The promise was “Don’t hold back Your tender mercies from me. My only hope is in your unfailing love and faithfulness.” And He hasn’t. Even in just this past week my cup runs over – He has been faithful over and over.

Tis time to be thankful!

Amy

P.S. Actually all of Psalm 40is a good one to read this week. And thank you for helping with the survey: Remembering Your First Year. A version of this post is also on A Life Overseas.

China, Cross cultural, Faith, God, Learning lessons

Deeper and wider than my small arms

One of the highlights of last week was your response to Book Cousins. Thank you for jumping in with sharing where you have seen God at work. The winner was notified, but to entice you to buy The Bells Are Not Silent, today go bell hunting with Joann and me. This was first published in September 2012.

Remember the song Deep and Wide? I belted it out as a kid, complete with hand gestures and humming words as we sang it faster and faster. “Deep and hmmm, Deep and hmmm!” Through song and laughter the breadth and depth of God’s love drilled into us as we sang in Sunday School.

I shared last weekend that Joann and I were going to Harbin to research church bells. She’s the actual researcher and I am the side kick. She became interested last spring in Chinese church bells we have traveled to Qingdao, Tianjin, and Harbin. We’ve also visited the bell museum and various churches in Beijing.

These trips have shown me that my view of the Bride of Christ has stayed about as far as I can open my arms to show how “deep and wide” the church is. Um, that is to say, pathetically small.

Part of it is just the reality that we can’t know what we haven’t been exposed to. Part of it is that history has kept different part of Christianity separated. Part of it is just that I forget how truly amazing God is.

Through these trips, God takes my arms and pulls them apart, experience by experience widening my view of vastness of the church.

In the stretching, there are moments of comical “what should we do” and a bit of mild awkwardness. When a Catholic brother and sister asked us in their sanctuary if we could pray together we said, “of course!” and started to do the Protestant huddle only to realize we were going to stand in line facing the cross. In the Orthodox Church we forgot to bring head coverings and I had to keep reminding myself to back out of the church and not turn my back on the cross.

But the most holy-ground- surreal-ness of “is this really happening” comes in meeting people and seeing how beautiful the bride can be.

At the Russian Orthodox Church scheduled to meet a contact at 10 a.m. and had been told that church didn’t like Protestants or Americans, so try to speak Chinese. We met utterly delightful Russians and as they realized we truly were interested in them, the bell, and their history, they repeatedly thanked US for caring about their history and trying to preserve it. My friend wrote more about the experience and about the bell. You should read what she wrote!

When our motley crew of Chinese, Russians, and Americans was finally allowed up into the bell tower, we were all in awe as we looked at an 1800s Moscow bell in an Orthodox church in a Chinese city being researched by an American.

We entered with those labels, but we exited one radiant bride. Humbled by the thought that God uses the likes of us.

Deep and wide. Deep and wide. May our understanding of how truly deep and wide expand far beyond our fingertips.

I loved the responses to last week’s question: Where have you seen God at work? So, this week. What songs were popular when you were a kid? I’ll share a few I remember in the comments.

Cross cultural, Messier than normal, Relationships

Still grateful: Nearly died, but didn’t

“You will die a horribly painful death in China.”

I’m not from a faith tradition that is known for “words from the Lord.” So when I heard this deep in my soul as I unpacked from my first trip to China twenty five years ago, I (a) didn’t know what it meant and (b) didn’t know what to do with it. I assumed it was for many years down the road, might be related to my faith, and would be concerning to share with people, so I didn’t.

Camaraderie came in an unexpected place: a John Irving novel. When I read A Prayer for Owen Meany I found a kindred spirit in Owen who knew odd details about his death. Owen, I get you! This message didn’t consume my thoughts or leave me in fear; but I did wonder at times what a “horribly painful death” might be like and if I’d embarrass myself, others, or the Lord in the process. I hoped that I wouldn’t.

I rarely get sick so it was not the norm when one day I started feeling like I had the stomach flu after lunch. My colleague, Erin, and I assumed it was just a normal illness, nothing to be concerned about. I threw up a few times. Who doesn’t? To cut a long story short, less than 24 hours later I was throwing up convulsively, had red spots on my skin, and my head felt like it was in a vice grip and my brain being squeezed.

It was.

I had bacterial meningitis and was dying a horribly painful death in China.

Twenty years ago on April 2nd I should have died. I choke up even now typing this. My parents were awakened in the middle of the night by Erin’s dad telling them he’d just gotten a call from Erin and based on her description, he thought I had meningitis, the prognosis wasn’t good, and he just thought they should know. They called my sisters and woke them with a similar message. Each sister reached out to friends and family and thus started the word spreading.

I did not die; I did have to relearn everything except—no comments—talking. Ah, even at the brink, I had things to say! I re-learned to walk, dress myself, write, and wash dishes; things that we take for granted, for a season, I didn’t.

On this twenth anniversary I want to say, again, thank you.

To my family for not coming. One of the hardest parenting decisions you have ever made was to stay away so that I could get the help I needed. Many questioned that call, but you held firm. And you paid the largest phone bill of your lives! Your frequent calls to Erin, and later to me, were worth every penny. Elizabeth and Laura, even half way around the world, I felt your sisterly love and connection.

To my students who cared for me around the clock. Especially to the girls who, in teams of three, sat by my bed during the night, combed my hair every morning, and washed my face.

To friends and family around the world and in China who found tangible ways in a pre-internet world to reach out.

To the school officials where I taught for caring for me as if I was your own, because I was.

To Debra and Kerry who let me convalesce with you for a month in Hong Kong. Your home, ice cream, CBS nightly news, and two cats were the best way to return to the land of the living.

To Erin. The list is too long. But one image that captures so much of what you had to bear is this — when I had come out of the coma and was hungry, we didn’t have many food options and you made me something with oranges and yogurt. After eating I abruptly sat up and projectile vomited all over your clean sweater. You, the picture of grace, picked little bits of orange off your sweater and said it “was no big deal.” And it wasn’t, because you’re that kind of friend.

I don’t know why I didn’t die. It might have been the amount of people praying around the globe for me. I know many are prayed for and they still die. All I know is that “word” was lifted from my soul in Hong Kong and like most of us, have no idea when or how or where I will die.

While I would have been okay to die (I actually begged Erin to kill me), I’m grateful that I didn’t. Today, I am reminded of the preciousness of life and how quickly it can change. Erin, my family said it to you then and still mean it today, we owe you so much more than can be put into words. Thank you for getting me to the doctor when I would have just stayed home and died in my bed.

To that 29 year-old-woman who had accepted a leadership position before she became ill and had no idea she would stay in China for many more years. She had not tasted the heights and depths of ministry pain, nor met many of the wonderful people she now calls family, I say this: Life is hard, God is faithful, and girl, you will have the time of your life. Enjoy.

I updated a post I wrote five years ago.

Cross cultural, Faith, Holiday

22 Gift Ideas for those you know in cross-cultural service

When I lived in China, I LOVED getting packages. This was back before so many western products were available and internet shopping was non-existent. My family used to ask me, well it was really more of pestering me, if I was opening presents early. Is it a lie if it keeps them happy? And I got a present a day? Really? Did Jesus come to bring joy or more rules?

Though it may be hard to believe, Christmas is around the corner. If you have Christian friends serving cross-culturally abroad, and you want to get them something for Christmas, you need to start thinking of gift ideas.

I sound bossier than I mean to be :).

I hate to admit that a lot of money goes into packages filled with stuff that isn’t needed or wanted. But I still believe that supporters want to bless those they support with gifts. For those who do not want to send Christmas money this will give you a few ideas.

Specifically look at #12! I’m super proud and excited about #12.

This list has been gather with an eye to what can help cross-cultural workers get to the field, stay on the field, transition from the field, or resettled for home assignments or reentry. Either choose something from the list or ask your cross-cultural workers what would be helpful at this point in their journey.

Books

1. Need a gift idea for your family? Parents of Missionaries: How to Thrive and Stay Connected When Your Children and Grandchildren Serve Cross-Culturally by Cheryl Savageau and Diane Stortz.

2. Returning Well: Your Guide to Thriving Back “Home” After Serving Cross-Culturally by Melissa Chaplin. Melissa also offers coaching packages for individuals and families.

3. Emotionally Healthy Spirituality by Peter Scazzero.

4. As Soon As I Fell: A Memoir by Kay Bruner

5. THEM: The Richer Life Found in Caring for Others by John Certalic.

6. Transition Companion: Tips and Encouragement for Navigating Seasons of Change by Tim Austin.

7. Looming Transitions: Starting and Finishing Well in Cross-Cultural Service by Amy Young. Also the downloadable companion guides: Looming Transitions Workbook and 22 Activities for Families in Transition.

Retreats

8. The Well in Chiang Mai, Thailand offers retreats on a regular basis—including for transitions, couples, marriages, Advent, parenting, Art. Find one that fits what you need now.

9. Azmera hosts 3 Haven Retreats around the globe annually.These retreats are designed to impact English speaking women serving overseas from various nations. We also welcome other expats (full-time vocational workers employed by embassies, companies, military, etc.).

10. Thrive offers retreats that allow women serving cross-culturally to get away from their demanding work for a time of rest, renewal, and refreshment. The women are ministered to holistically – spiritually, emotionally, and physically.

11. A spiritual renewal retreat through the closest Life Impact Ministries Oasis.

12. Velvet Ashes Annual Retreat — each spring Velvet Ashes puts on a retreat for cross-cultural servants right where they are. Participants download files so they can listen the speakers, meditate on scripture, and enjoy other parts of the retreat. Guess what? You can purchase previous retreats for $20 (normally they will be $25, they are on sale for Christmas) . . . and your friend, daughter, or worker can tend to their soul during this difficult time.

Debriefing Retreats

13. Abide (by TRAIN International)—This one-week renewal for those transitioning back into American culture debriefs the cross-cultural experience, explores reverse culture shock, and equips for healthy reentry into the home culture.

14. Debriefing and Renewal (part of MTI)—gives people the chance to reflect on their journey and engage with the Father about their story. Adult and child tracks available.

15. ELIM Retreats—provide spiritual debriefing, spiritual renewal, and pastoral care of the global worker.

16. Emmaus Encounter—provides a safe place for men and women of the Christian faith to process events of the past, so that they may grow emotionally, mentally and spiritually, and move forward in health.

Miscellaneous Ideas for Life

17. Couples, want to invest in your marriage? A PREPARE/ENRICH marriage enrichment assessment has been a favorite for those desiring to go deeper in their relationship (bonus if you are given coaching to go with it!)

18. Money toward an IRA or other forms of retirement savings.

19. Money ear marked for self-care in your city (or nearest city)—may include massage, meal out, night in a hotel.

20. Call around Christmas just to chat (not for a “report”).

21. Invite young adult kids of workers overseas to your home for Thanksgiving or Christmas—blesses them and is a great gift to their parents oceans away.

22. Pay for several session of Christian Coaching through CMI. Your gift could help someone to spiritual and professionally develop. Coaching services include for transitions, life purpose and calling, and support raising.

Which of these gift ideas do you guess is on their wish list? What gift idea would help them to get to, stay on, or transition from the field?

A version of this first appear at A Life Overseas.

Community, Cross cultural

Having a baby abroad? Fun advice for you.

This past weekend was spent with my fellow Velvet Ashes Leadership teammates in our annual planning retreat. Danielle is having a baby in December so in the midst of important meetings, we had a small surprise baby shower (which, I would also argue was important!).

Ahead of time I contacted some folks who live abroad or have lived abroad and asked what advice is given to women who are having a baby in the countries they have lived in.

Culture is interesting and fun! I thought you would enjoy this as much as we did. Because several had lived in China, you’ll see several lists for China.

China

-Never eat anything cold. Never get cold.

-Eat and eat and eat until the only clothing you can wear are overalls with a bear on them. If you’re still fitting into regular pants with a waistband, you need to eat more.

-Don’t ride a bicycle

Cambodia: Here’s the cultural way Cambodians deal with postpartum, from an old blog post of mine. I find the postpartum practices to be more widespread than delivery practices, which are going to vary according to income.

“After birth mom and baby are wrapped tightly to keep warm and prevent aging. Mom especially isn’t allowed to get cold the first 3 months, so she must wear long sleeves. And for those first 3 months, mom isn’t allowed to do any work – not even climb stairs. She really and truly rests from the work of pregnancy and childbirth. Dad does the work.”

Also, pregnant women don’t really wear pants here; you always find pregnant women in dresses.

Laos: In Laos, the women who have just given birth are recommended to lie on a bed covered in warm-hot coals for two weeks. They are only allowed off the bed to nurse and to eat, and they are only allowed to eat hot soup. This is a BLAST in the 115 degree heat! If you do this, Danielle, the bad toxins from pregnancy will leave your body, along with any bad spirits that might have haunted you in pregnancy. :)

China:

—Eat eggs every day for a month after delivery.

—Don’t shower for a month.

—And don’t open any windows or go outside.

—And have your mother in law live with you for the next several years!

Romania: In Romania, never go barefoot while you are pregnant. The chill will go right through your feet and give your baby a cold . . . even if it is 90 degrees and the middle of summer. Also, get used to people spitting in the direction of your baby (or you while you are still pregnant). This will trick the evil spirits into thinking your child is ugly so your family will be left alone.

China: ALL of these I heard after having my boys in China:

Don’t brush your teeth for at least a week after giving birth
Don’t shower for a month after giving birth
Eat a dozen eggs within the first 2 days — and then keep eating eggs non-stop the first month
Don’t let the baby feel ANY breeze

Philippines:

My brother & his family served in the Philippines for many years—and one piece of advice they were given when my sister-in-law was pregnant was that at NIGHT, when the pregnant woman is getting into bed, she was supposed to eat a handful of peanuts and then get into bed by jumping in OVER her husband. Ha! You would not see ME jumping anywhere when I was that big!

Have you delivered in another country? What advice were you given? What other countries could you add to the list?

Book, China, Cross cultural, Ending Chapters, Faith

Looming Transitions is HERE! {4 ways you can help}

I’ll admit, for a while the question, “When will your book be done?” made me a bit sheepish. After sharing a goal or a dream, on the upside you get cheerleaders. On the downside, if you’re not really doing much you get to be shifty again and again with, “Oh, I’m working on it.” (Hypothetically for four years. I’m just saying.)

Go ahead, ask me. “When can I buy your book?”

I’ll try not to smile too big when I say, “Today!!!!!!!”

Box of LT

Looming Transition is on Amazon (both Kindle and print) and at Createspace. I earn slightly more if you buy a print copy at createspace, but if you’ve got a good gig going on with Amazon, guilt free buy from Amazon.

LT is intended for the 4 to 6 months before moving to or from the field. I firmly believe that is a key window that can make your transition easier or harder. Notice, I said “easier,” not easy. You get it.

I’ve never launched or sold a book before and I feel a bit like I’m saying to you, “Do you like my baby? Will you, my people help raise her? Will you stand with me in the good times and hard? Will you still like me even when she disappoints or does stupid things?”

And all the people said, “We will!”

You might wonder, That’s great, but I’ve never done this either. What can I do? Here are four ways you can help with this raising of Looming Transitions:

1. Celebrate! Of course I hope this book sells decently because I truly believe it will help those in transition, but if this books sells and I have no one to share it with, what have I gained? Nothing. Absolutely nothing. What is worse than watching sports by yourself and having no one to high-five? Nothing. Okay, there are worse things, but in that moment, it’s pretty low.

I’m high-fiving you! Woot, woot! If you weren’t here, there would be no book. I did it. You encouraged me. We did it. Let’s enjoy this moment.

2. Suggest or give Looming Transitions to someone you know who in transition to or from living overseas. The best way a book sells is through word of mouth. If you tell them and they know you, they are much more likely to buy it.

3. Leave a review on Amazon or Goodreads. It does not need to be five stars (though if that’s what your heart is saying, go with your heart!). Amazon is funny, she just likes to see the amount of reviews. The more reviews (even three or four star), the more she will say, “Hey, maybe I should tell other people about this book.”

4. Tell someone about Looming Transitions. You know tons of people I don’t know. You know people living in Sweden or working at this church or for that organization. You know you neighbor’s cousin who is moving to Brazil or your former coworker who is entering his last semester on the field. You know mission committee members and pastors and counselors.

This includes sharing on social media. Thanks for all of the shout outs!

You might be a blogger who would like to interview me or write a review of Looming Transitions (I can offer a copy as a giveaway). Who could you tell about this book?

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Three final thoughts:

If you want to buy Looming Transitions in bulk, use the contact form below and I can work with you on a discounted rate.
As a small gift to those in transition, I’ve made these graphics that go along with ideas from the book.
I find authors who only talk about their books tedious. We get it, you wrote a book. How about living a life too?! My bias, I know. On Friday I’ll share a bit of the journey of this book and wanted to warn you incase you fear that every post is going to be about this book. It’s not. My plan is to mention it at the beginning of each semester and maybe share if something interesting comes up.

Because today is a day of celebration! Leave a comment and on Friday I’ll draw one of your names and you can give this book to someone you know—yourself included :).

As we launch this book and wait to see how God will use it, I want to end with the benediction I gave at the end of the acknowledgments:

Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen.

Grace and Peace,

Amy

Contact form for inquiries as to me speaking to your group about transitions, buying bulk orders, or your thoughts on the Broncos’ chances in the Superbowl.

Book, China, Cross cultural

A Non-Cook Reviews 3 Chinese Cookbooks

This post reminds me of my first “research” paper in sixth grade. We were learning about using sources to enhance our ideas. Want to know my subject? Prepare to laugh given how life and interests turned out.

Mexican food. We had a student teacher and I recall him talking with me, wondering if I had enough sources and if I needed a more concrete subject. I was the only student writing about a food group. When I explained my mom’s cookbook collection I convinced him to let me try.

Last month I shared three reasons you should read the Chinese food memoir Shark’s Fin and Sichuan Pepper: A Sweet-sour Memoir of Eating in China by Fuchsia Dunlop. It turns out she’s also written three cookbooks: Land of Plenty: A Treasury of Authentic Sichuan Cooking (2003), Revolutionary Chinese Cookbook: Recipes from Hunan Province (2007), and most recently Every Grain of Rice: Simple Chinese Home Cooking (2013).

Though I am a self-proclaimed non-cook (in any culture), these books are a must explore because they are more than cookbooks. They are part cultural informant, part memoir, and part cookbook.

Cultural Informant

In each book, Dunlop goes into delicious details on food as it relates to culture, both at the start of the book, at the start of each section, and, if you can believe it, with almost every recipe.

For instance, on the recipe for Mr. Lai’s Glutinous Rice Balls With Sesame Stuffing (Lai Tang Yuan) she shares:

In 1894, a young man named Lai Yuanxin traveled from his native town to Chengdu, where he took up a place as an apprentice in a restaurant. Sadly, it wasn’t long before he fell out with his boss and lost his job. Stuck with no means to support himself, he borrowed money from a cousin, bought a bamboo shoulder pole and a few cooking utensils, and started selling glutinous rice dumplings on the streets. After making a living this way for many years, he was able to open a shop on Zongfu Street in the center of Chengdu. Mr. Lai’s unusually good tang yuan are now celebrated all over China. (Land of Plenty: A Treasury of Authentic Sichuan Cooking)

It goes on, and this is but one recipe out of three rather detailed books!

Memoir

Part of the beauty of food in China, is the possibility each one of us has to join the grand culinary story. While every dish may have a history, we each have our own personal history and experience of it. Who doesn’t have memories tied to restaurants, dishes, or cooking experiences?

Dunlop’s books are not merely about food, but about her personal experience with the food. The recipe for Stir-Fried Bitter Melon with Chinese Chives (Jiu Cai Chao Ku Gua) comes with this story:

By a series of strange coincidences, within twenty-four hours of arriving in Mao Zedong’s home village, Shaoshan, I was invited out to lunch by his nephew Mao Anping, now an official in the local government. Mao the younger is a laid-back, affable, chain-smoking sixty-year-old who is blasé about the attention paid to him as one of the Chairman’s closest surviving relatives. He brushes aside any suggestion that he looks like his legendary uncle, but, seen in profile or from behind, the resemblance is quite unnerving. . . . This is his recipe for bitter melon, a fresh and radiant stir-fry of jade-green melon, dark green chives, and brilliant scarlet chili. (Revolutionary Chinese Cookbook: Recipes from Hunan Province)

Cookbook

Here we begin to get out of my depth, but I believe those of you who are interested in these cookbooks because you actually want to cook food and not just read about it will not be disappointed. Each book is sprinkled with food preparation information and skill development, in addition to recipes. She includes cooking methods, what is in a Sichuan pantry, a Hunan pantry, and the basics of a Chinese pantry. It turns out I enjoyed reading about all of the different chopping techniques and the “useful shapes” you can make.

Pictures are a plenty and can either make you hungry, nostalgic, or act as a guide. In Every Grain of Rice: Simple Chinese Home Cooking, Dunlop shares how to plan a Chinese meal, what to do after the meal, a short section on drinks, and a most helpful “menu ideas” for two, four, or six people. Each menu suggestion comes with four meat and four vegetarian menus.

While reading these books did not turn me into a cook, it did open my eyes further to this vital part of the Chinese world that it would be easy to think I already knew. It also makes me wonder whom I could give them to because he or she would actually cook for me!

If you are a cook, you’ll enjoy these books. If you’re not, buy them for someone who is and enjoy reading them after they fix you a meal.

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Do you remember your first research paper? Do you read cookbooks? Normally I don’t, to be honest, but I know lots of people do.

A version of this was first in From the West Courtyard.

Disclosure : Amazon Affiliate links included in this post. If you click through to Amazon, any purchase you make supports this website.

Cross cultural, Relationships

When the Shoe Is On the Other Foot {Will You Advocate For Men?}

Today I find myself in a surprising position.

Normally I’m frustrated with the lack of support and advocating for women in ministry. Am I willing to stand up and support and advocate for men when resources for them may be lacking?

Today I’m over at A Life Overseas with my monthly contribution. One of the editors read my piece to check for typos and commas (as we know, my eternal weak point!) and she emailed me: “And also, in a world dominated by men (and I’ve read that women are often harrassed online), it’s strange that in the christian service world, it’s women leading everything. Makes you wonder what’s going on here, doesn’t it?”

It does.

I received the following email from a man I’d met at MTI’s Debriefing and Renewal. Brian, his wife, and I were in the same debriefing group.

I was recently talking to a former M friend of mine who was going through some tough times in his re-entry to the States despite the fact that he has landed in a great job and community. His talk about loneliness stuck out to me and got me thinking a little bit. Do you know of a ministry like yours that focuses on mentoring, coming alongside and creating community for men throughout their missionary journey? Any links, suggestions or resources you could pass on would be great.

****

What stood out to me then, and I saw reflected in my response to my friend, is how very female heavy these resources are. Oddly, when so much of the world seems to have started out male dominated and has needed to create a space for women to be heard, we seem to be the opposite. Please continue reading at A Live Overseas.

Cross cultural, Faith, Relationships, Velvet Ashes

What Does It Mean To Be Absolutely Single?

The theme this week at Velvet Ashes was “Serving Single.” This post originally appeared as the final post of the week.

The seed of this article was planted around March 14. If you record March 14^th as 3/14 it’s Pi Day. You know π as in 3.141592. . . I’m a Pi Day nut and have blogged about why I love Pi, Pi songs, Pi jokes, Pi cartoons, and even Pi-ku. Have I mentioned I love π? This year, I began to wonder what other mathematical constructs might offer insights beyond dear Pi.

Do you remember absolute value? The part of math that uses the vertical lines? |-3| and |+3| both equal 3. If this is making you twitch, I get it, I do. But this won’t get too complicated. Absolute value is basically asking how far away a number is from 0 (zero). So, whether you are -3 or +3 you are 3 away from 0, the center of the number line.

Putting God in the center (so, not saying he’s a zero, but you get my point), what does absolute value add to our discussion of serving single?

|+ Serving Single| and |-Serving Single| still equal Serving Single.

Whether you are single, married, have children, or don’t have children, to a certain extent every one of us serves single. There comes a point where it’s just

|You and God| or
|You and this teammate| or
|You and this part of the culture| or
|You and this part of your organization| or
|You and this child| or
|You and loneliness| or
|You and longing| or
|You and body image| or
|You and food| or
|You and joy|

Whether you see yourself as |-single| or |+loneliness| or |-married| {meaning that your marriage stinks and their marriage is what you want}, the beauty of absolute value is it shifts the focus from your state (single, lonely, married) to the orientation to 0 (God).

I fear this might come across as sticking a Christian bow on areas carrying pain. The heart of this post isn’t “just look to God and be absolutely happy!” What I love about |absolute value theology – which I just made up| is there is still place to honor the state.

|+Single| and |-single| or |+longing| and |-longing| are equally valid, without one being better than the other. Absolute Value can handle positives or negatives because it doesn’t really care about positives or negatives. I think we are prone to think |+| > |-| . . . or using my words, we are prone to think positives are better than negatives, confusing “enjoyable” with “better than.”

Is |+single| (meaning I’m not overly wrestling with this state currently) more “fun” than when I’m all stirred up? Sure. But fun and better than are two different questions.

We’ve all had times where |- part of the culture| is churning up our souls so much it hurts. Hurts. We can’t sleep, we agonize over what to do, is it our place to do anything? Or |+ part of the culture| where we see a slice of God we could not have seen from our shore. A part of us blossoms and we know we are on holy ground.

If positive and negative are the wrong words to ask, I also don’t want to give the impression that |absolute value theology| is about being as close to God as possible. We are going to have times where we feel distant or lost. This doesn’t mean you’ve sinned or done anything wrong.

Instead, the heart of |absolute value theology| is this:

Where do I see God? (How am I oriented to 0? Can I see him in this state?)
Can I be honest about my state? (Am I – or +?)
Do I believe that God can handle my state or do I feel I need to somehow fix it?
We’re not talking about sin. |-Stealing| and |+stealing| is still stealing. We’re talking about non-sin, messy, glorious, hard, life.

Circling back to the theme of this week, serving single, this is one for all of us. As much as we are rooted in relationships, teams, and communities, sometimes, it’s just |You and God|.

Whether you are single or married what encourages you as |You and God Serve Single|? What have been unexpected challenges? Unexpected blessings?

China, Cross cultural, Ending Chapters, Learning lessons, Velvet Ashes

3 Helpful Tips When You’re New To A Situation

You know when you create something–be it a food item, the perfect photo, or a flower arrangement–and everything clicks. You stand back and think: I made that? I made that? I made that! Boom. You’re proud and a bit shocked. Well, that’s how I feel about the post below that I wrote for Velvet Ashes this week. Just telling you the truth. I like it and it makes me smile. The theme of the week has been “Tips for your first year” on the field. I hope you like it half as much as I do, boom.

How’s it going being tipsy this week? Oh we Christians, we’re a riot to hang out with! Tip #1, she who laughs first at her own jokes laughs alone. Well, guess what, the joke is on you. That is not really one of my tips. Ha ha! Though laughing is a good tip for most phases of life, isn’t it?

The insights this week are ones to bookmark and share with folks you know in the future who will be moving to the field. M’Lynn reminded us of the realities of team and expectation those new to the field might have for them. Lauren gave first year senders and goers the freedom to go slow. And Hannah gave insights for twenty somethings.

And now I will state the obvious: your first year is memorable. Whether you’re a TCK going to the field as an adult or this is your first time to actually live on foreign soil longer than a summer project, you will remember your first forever. Here is another bonus tip from my first year: do all that you can to avoid group flights. If you are with an agency that sends a herd of people together to the field, it’s mostly to remind you hell is real and what you’re doing is important. It’s also a secret test if you’re willing to pay the cost. I’m convinced of this.

In all seriousness, you are crossing a line. To this day I think of my life as BC/AC. Before I moved to China and After I moved to China. When did I first go to China? Three years BC. When was my first niece born? Six years AC. Probably it will be the same for you. Your life will be marked by this year. With that in mind, I do have three tips for you:

1. Welcome to the emotional edges. Chances are you are going to experience more highs and lows this year than you normally do. For some, you will camp out on the high side feeling exhilarated, flooded with joy at the sights, sounds, and conversations. Or feel genuine awe and wonder at small miracles you used to take for granted. Electricity? A washing machine? The internet? A care package? Could life be any better?!

For others, I’m sorry to say, you might find this year being one of severe loneliness and disappointment in yourself, locals, teammates, and God. You might be awash in hopeless over how big the task is and how little you are or in shock at things now that you can’t imagine will devastate you.

In agony, a person new to the field told me over the phone, “Amy, I just don’t think I can team with them. This is so unacceptable. I don’t know what to do.” I couldn’t image what her teammates were doing that stole her joy when she couldn’t wait to get to the field. She was undone by teammates drinking Coke at a meals. U.N.D.O.N.E. by it. We returned to this conversation over and over throughout her first year.

But for many of you, you’ll be a mix of both. The highs are high, enjoy them. You are blessed to do what you do. But the lows are low. I wish I could spare you. When you feel them coming, don’t hide them out of shame. You’re normal. Get people praying for you and be gentle to yourself. It’s okay to be low. It’s not fun, but it’s okay.

2. Know you’re going to change. How can you not when the traffic is different, the views of women is unlike back home, even standing in line (hello, how different can it be? Um, very.) is unlike anything you could imagine. You might be exposed to poverty in ways that will ebb at the edges of your soul or live in a land that is so “beyond God” you don’t know where to start. You might see your home country in ways that make your heart beat with pride or make you feel shame and embarrassment and confusion.

Here’s the other thing about the ways you’ll change, you may not see the depth of it for years. Some changes will be small in terms of effecting who you are as a person. Does it really matter in the grand scheme of things how you cross the street? No. But in other more significant ways, you might find you are no longer as in sync with your home culture. This call comes with blessing and loss, doesn’t it? So, for better or worse, you’re going to change and grow. As will your friendships, your marriage, and your parenting.

3. Enjoy! If you happen to be with cynical old-hands, please ignore their grumpiness. I admit, over the years it got harder and harder to be thrilled with new teammates reporting on using a squatty for the first time!!!! (The exclamations were them, definitely not me) down to every little detail. Your bladder was full, you were desperate, it smelled, urine came out, you lived. I’m very impressed.

This is what I’m talking about. Ignore me.

My first year was pre-internet, pre-Facebook, Instagram, Snapchat, Wechat, Skype. When I returned home for a few weeks after my first year, I brought with me five full photo albums with about 1,000 pictures (Okay, there were WAY more because I glued pictures into the front and back on the wasted blank pages.). I couldn’t wait to share my life with friends and family. I’ll never forget this comment:

We get it, you ate food.

Well now. But you don’t get how exciting pudding is from a care package! Or did you see how round those tortillas were I rolled? What, you don’t like a close up of the cooked eel?

Enjoy! Take pictures of whatever you want. Be excited over . . . everything. Be moved by how much bigger and amazing God is than you could have imagined. God said, “Taste and see that the Lord is good, happy is she who take refuge in me.” Do.

If we were sitting down chatting over a cup of chai and you ask me what I’d suggest for the year, that’s what I’d have for you. Welcome to the emotional edges. Know you’re going to change. Enjoy!

Oh and we’re glad you’re here. Truly.

What do you think of these tips? What would you add?

*****

P.S. If you’re reading this on a mobile device, I added a plug-in this week that should make reading easier. What do you think? Like it? Or want me to go back to the old way?

Image designed by Karen Huber