While cooking lunch this spring, a colleague’s gas stove had a mini-explosion and she experienced second degree burns. Watching the process of treating physical burns had me wondering if similar lessons could be applied to less-literal, though not less-damaging burns.
Because we live in Eden Lost, we know what it’s like to be burnt by one another (and sadly how to use our words and actions to burn others). We can experience first, second and third degree relational burns.
Want to know how creative we have gotten at burning one another? Here is a short list of burn victims:
- Esau – burnt by his brother and mother
- Jacob—burnt by his father-in-law
- Blind man – by gossip (was it his sin or his parents’)
- David – burnt by Saul … again and again
- Uriah – burned by his commander-in-chief, David
- Moses—burnt by those he was leading
- Naomi –burnt by life’s experiences (famine, relocating, death of loved ones and desires)
- Tamar—burnt by her brother
- Jesus—burnt by a kiss from a friend (and really, us all!)
- Elijah—burnt by exhaustion
- Mary—burnt by words said against her son
- Mary and Martha—burnt by the delayed response of Jesus
- Jeremiah—burnt by people’s non-responsiveness
- Joseph—burnt by his brothers, later his employer’s wife, and later still by someone who forgot him
- Jonah—burnt by perceived unfairness of God
Burnt by family, the government, leaders, friends, strangers, those we are to serve, life experiences, gossip, even at times it seems by God. This is most definitely not an exhaustive list and as you read this, you could add your own name and way of being burnt to it.
Among those listed, we know that not all healed from their injuries. Healing, sadly, is not a given. However, there are –I want to avoid over simplifying the process – actions that we can borrow from treating a physical burn and apply them to emotional and relational burns.
1. Admit you’ve been burnt. This seems too obvious to state, but if you don’t admit that something has happened, you will live with this wound, that though others may not see, they will know something has happened to you.
2. Get help – at times this will involve professionals. If you’ve gotten a second or third degree burn you are probably going to need expertise beyond your mom, school nurse, or good friend.
3. Your wound will need to be cleaned out and this may involve scraping off dead skin. If you don’t scrap, you run the risk of infection that could spread beyond the original area wounded.
4. It will hurt to clean and re-bandage the wounds, but you will need to do this on a regular basis until healing occurs.
5. Monitor for signs of infection and be faithful in taking antibiotics.
6. Lean hard into community. Let them cook for you, carry you, and spend time with you. Do not feel that you need to reach out to them at that time.
7. The process might take a lot more time than you would choose. I’m sorry.
8. As you do one through seven, pray. In the Psalms David models howling out to God in the midst of life’s trials while weaving in God’s faithfulness and David’s dependence on God. You can do likewise.
Physical burns need to be treated immediately, the main change I’d make to relational burns is that the timing of treating it probably will start later and go longer.
I don’t want to minimize the real pain and loss that burning causes, whether by the sun, by cooking, or by the hands of another. But God has not abandoned us in Eden lost and you can heal and out of your experience, minister to others in their time of need. {And if you’ve burnt someone, it is never too late to confess and repent.}
Question: what’s helped you heal from a relational burn?
Related article: Five lessons from rehab
Oh Amy. This is rich. Really rich stuff. I have been burned…and felt beyond recognition. But yes, there is healing. Love this post.
As I made that list struck (again) how common it is to the human experience. Thanks for the comment and the phrase “felt beyond recognition” — I too, have felt, who is that person! as I looked in the mirror.
What an excellent metaphor. Great post, great comparison.
As always, beautifully written Amy. I love your writing but more so your thoughts. We have ALL experienced being burnt in one form or another and have also caused others to experience it, even if not intended. Hopefully we can all learn from this to forgive and to reach out to others to help heal their hurts. Thank you.
Thanks Connie, love you!
I love you too Amy, more than you could possibly know.
What a really great analogy. It shows the pain and the length of time it takes to heal. I love the idea of Biblical people being burnt….it makes them more alive, and not just ‘a story’.
Read your posts often, but this one made me smile. Definitely been burnt, but learning the difference between resting and never using that part again has been a life-changing lesson.
Melanie! That IS a great lesson … thanks for adding it into the mix
Great advice, Amy! I was particularly drawn to #s 6 and 7. Something that has helped me heal from relational burns: being the first to say (and mean) “I’m sorry,” in other words, learning to recognize my own responsibility and separate it from my hurt.
Beautiful post Amy! I really needed to hear this tonight and was encouraged, so thank you =)
You’re welcome… I love it when that happens!
It all comes down to forgiveness, and there’s not really a tried and true formula for that. It’s important to remember that we, too, are sinful humans – and that helps us extend grace towards others. And ultimately, it’s something that God does within us and within the relationship – so prayer should envelop the situation.
I’m teaching the Heidelberg Catechism this week for my Adult Sunday School class and this week’s lesson is on the Fifth Commandment: “Honor your father and your mother so that you may live long in the land which the Lord your God is giving you.”
It’s commonly a thorny commandment for many because of relational burns received by parents. How can one parent and not burn your children or at least have your children feel burned at some point?
The catechism expands the commandment to include “all in authority over us” and proceeds to assume their failings in their actions “to correct and punish” us. This greatly expands the list of perps with flaming sticks and hot brands.
For those unfamiliar with the catechism the section of “the law” falls not under “Misery”, the opening section, but under “Gratitude”, the final section. The Christian life does not flow out of duty or fear but rather joy and freedom.
I think the commandments and catechism might suggest we amend the list to include an article about honoring and/or continuing to treat those who have burned us with respect. This is so counter-cultural, counter-intuitive, so unnatural. This I think we are admonished to consider (motivated by joy and freedom again, not duty or fear) for our own health.
If hurt people hurt people, then burned people burn people. We live in a long list of burned people turning to burn others, knowingly or instinctively.
The largest thief of joy is bitterness and bitterness so easily infects our burns. If the antidote to monetary greed is financial generosity, then the antidote to bitterness is relational generosity. Refusing to demean our enemy’s character in public is the outward expression of a refusal to nurse a grievance in private. This is long and difficult self-work.
When relational burns take up residence in our selves they do so as scars and the irritation of a scarred self passes bitter fruit to others so I’ll recommend this addition to your fine list.
Thanks for the lovely and thoughtful blog. pvk
And to you for the lovely and thoughtful response! Blessings on your class this week. Amy