I am standing witness to my story.
When the idea first started to tug at my soul I resisted it. Too afraid and overwhelmed of what it might mean. What it might cost me. What it would require me to examine. I pushed it down.
Down.
Down.
Down.
But when something’s being born in you, you can only shove it down so many times.
Is it time to leave this organization? This company I love?
I couldn’t yet consider leaving China.
China had become so intertwined with my identity it became the most prominent adjective describing me. Oh you’re the China daughter. The aunt who lives in China. The college friend in China. The foreign teacher in China. The sister in China. What word is used over and over and over? Not daughter, aunt, friend, teacher or sister.
China.
Even now as I write this, I’m not sure I’m going to share it with you.
This is my greatest fear. What if China is what makes me and the story of my life interesting and without her, I’m dull. I fear that I may not matter and people only listened to me because I was a bit exotic.
If you’re like me, this is the part you want to rush in, to interrupt and say, “No, no, YOU are interesting. I like you. China, sure, she’s nice too.”
But don’t we all wonder?
What makes our story enticing to others? What draws people to us?
Once we’ve been in a certain plot line long enough, sorting through strands can be a bit like untangling a messy ball of yarn. How much do our jobs, our roles, our family define us?
We are made to be communal. To ebb and flow. Of course our jobs, our locations, our children are going to leave their marks on us, like waves hitting the beaches. They will change the contours of our soul’s shorelines.
But don’t you at times wonder who you are? Really are?
Like Jacob, I wrestled. If only it had been for one night and not long and hard! I wrestled with the calling I have and the longevity and my identity. When you’ve thrown your lot in so long with a place and a people and loyalty is also your story, what does it mean to move on? To outgrow? To hear other whispers?
Was I willing to stay in a story I thought was interesting on the surface so that people would think I am interesting even though I was fading in it? Was I the kind of person who cared so much about others opinions I was willing to prostitute myself to being interesting? Was being interesting my altar?
I too, now walk with a limp. It’s metaphorical and I don’t show it all that often. But my identity has taken a hit. I feel like a mom whose last child has flown the nest. But I have no children to point to. Instead I’m the one who has flown. And a part of me will always be China Amy. The daughter, sister, friend, aunt who lived in China.
Now I’m having to find out who I am without China in my daily life. The story will continue, but the plot isn’t as predictable as it was. There is comfort in predictability, isn’t there?
Parts of this new phase are exciting. I needed a change. But fear is here too. And loss.
What will become the new defining adjective? How long will it take? What if I really am boring? It is tempting to rush through this in-between phase of life and to hurry on to the next thing. Yet there is much life to be lived here too, in the in-between phase.
I’m too close to it to see clearly. But I am far enough into this identity changing process to be glad I listened to the voice that wouldn’t let me go instead of clinging to my idea of who I am.
Have you walked away from one of the most defining parts of yourself (or had it walk away from you)? What adjective if used most frequently to describe you?
Linking up with Velvet Ashes and the Grove today. Prompt: Story
Amy, a beautiful transparent post, exposing the “middle” which is always sandwiched between what was and what is.
Those voices form that place need to be heard… internal and eternal guides to get us where we need to be.
I was a daughter, wife, mother, and grandmother all my life. It took me for ever to listen to the voice within and get out of my cocoon. I love this new face and my book which is soon coming out. I wouldn’t change it for anything, even though I am still holding on to the roles I used to play and often sacrifice my writing for their sake.
Wishing you all the best in excavating your true self!
Amy, I relate to this. Really really. Even though i have only been in China a fraction of the time you were here, China has been a deep part of my identity for almost 10 years. What to do if/when it’s not part of my identity anymore? Maybe part of it always will be, but what if it’s not? That’s scary. I’m learning that being where God wants us in His story, even though it can be uncomfortable, is the best place to be. “I’m too close to it to see clearly. But I am far enough into this identity changing process to be glad I listened to the voice that wouldn’t let me go instead of clinging to my idea of who I am.” Yes, this. Thanks for sharing, as always.
I concur!
Amy,
I truly resonate with this, and I’m glad you chose to post your words! , Even if, like MB wrote (and Erika concurred) that I am but a chord in the China song, and you are the symphony! ^_^ China thoughts consume me sometimes,yet I don’t want her to become an idol, like you said. Knowing where to draw the line can be the struggle. Even though I’m in the US, I will still keep seeking China in my future, until He directs me otherwise (esp. since I have more variables in my life now, LOL!) :) As part of God’s working, we are all in this song together, and that is the Beauty that we must remember.
I think I can relate too. I’m still trying to see myself in the role the Author is writing for me as I live this chapter of my life. It’s been over 3 years since I stopped being “The fourth grade teacher at CCA.” I know I’m not longer that person in oh so many ways, but I’m not sure where this new story line is taking me. I ask each day for the faith to Trust the One who plans to prosper me as I turn each page that lies ahead. Thank you for sharing your story. It is a great encouragement.
Oh thank you for sharing, dear Amy. I can so relate. I have felt “lost” for some time–seemingly unable to grasp any adjective for who I am called to be at this time. Waiting and listening, listening and waiting . . . and feeling like I am in a holding pattern. Who am I?? I might not know–but the good news is that I know the One who does know–so I hold on to that with all I am. I want to be defined by my Heavenly Father–not by who I think I should be or who others say I should be. So much easier said than done. So I continue to reach toward Him–waiting and listening, listening and waiting.
Amy, this post resonates with me in lots of ways that I’m aware of, and I suspect many more ways that I can only guess.
I feel like I’m at a crossroads in my life, one not of my own choosing. Like you, I’ve discovered that a big part of my identity is wrapped up in China, and within our own company, a very special, specific slice of China. And I have to admit that I kinda like that identity. I feel comfortable with it.
For the past two decades it’s been so easy (well, mostly) to just say, “Yep, He hasn’t called us anywhere else, so I guess we’re staying put.” But the events of this past year (the most difficult year of my life!) have thrown everything topsy-turvy, and I feel like change is a-comin, whether I want it or not! I have no idea yet what that means – maybe He just wanted to teach me the amazing, life-changing things that He’s been teaching me these past few difficult months, but the only way I would pay attention to Him was to get my total attention (because of the hardness of my heart), but that it’s actually not time to leave yet? Or maybe a different role but still here? A move back “home” that hasn’t really been home since before we got married? Somewhere else, totally unknown at this point in time?
Oh yeah, it’s difficult to live in limbo, not knowing what the future holds. But we know Who holds our future! Now if I can just transfer that assurance from my head down to my anxious heart!
You know me, how much music means to me. So here’s a song that has recently sunk deep in my heart, and it speaks directly to our need to make sure our eyes are focused firmly on the right One:
The sun comes up, it’s a new day dawning
It’s time to sing your song again
Whatever may pass and whatever lies before me
Let me be singing when the evening comes
Bless the Lord, O my soul, O my soul
Worship his holy name
Sing like never before, O my soul
I worship your holy name
Amen!
Mike! I sing that song almost every morning. LOVE it! Not always singing when the evening comes….but the Holy Spirit does always find a way to get me singing again. :)
As I read your blog and then the comments, once again, your willingness to be open has blessed many.
The challenges, the journeys, varied, yet HIS \o/
HUGS, dear Amy!
Very thought provoking. Especially in this new phase of Haiti Suzan.
Oh Yes, Amy, I understand! When we went back to the US 3 and 1/2 years ago and were there unexpectedly for 3 years…my identity became very fuzzy! There was a wrestling in me…in my spirit…who am I, I asked. He answered, more importantly, “Who do you say that I am?”…Identity…so crucial, so mixed, changing with time. Thank you for your honest, examining words -they are “life-giving” words to encourage us on in the press for knowing the Lord and identifying with Him. As a way of giving hope, I discovered in that 3 years back in small-university-town Arkansas, that He had a place for me elsewhere, not just China. My heart was feeling split into fragments at that point, but He has showed me more of Him and of me. Surprisingly, now we are back in China but I find my identity has changed and shifted a bit this time back. Now, about to celebrate 20 years of our arrival in China, I find that I feel peaceful with staying or leaving. It has taken a while to be at that point. An adjective now to describe me: still thinking (maybe joy at this point anyway). An adjective to describe you: giving of soul!
As we set up our nativity with about 30 English students, I was reminded of you – because you gave this set to us and our kids in Chengdu! Sweetness of memory…
I wasn’t China Emily near as long as you were China Amy but I can completely see that struggle. It is a massive shift. I read this morning from Ann Voskamp that ours is a God of invincible reliability. I loved that. He can be counted upon to get you past this unsettled spot!
Amy, This is perhaps my favorite post of yours that I’ve read. Very honest. Very powerful. It’s not easy to talk about one’s fear, especially current fear. But it’s so life-giving for others who have been or are there. Thank you so much.
It’s a difficult thing, this balance b/w figuring out who we are vs what we do. May the Father make straight your path, be a lamp for your feet and show you just how special YOU are. He hasn’t finished His story in you…
Oh Amy,
I’ve never thought of you in terms of China; just in terms of someone who thinks deeply and provokes thoughts and serves and is a friend to many. You are not your role. We all have many roles and we must fight to not let them be our identity.
I do not think China defines you but more of who you are and how you act defines you. You just happened to be doing your stuff in a place most of us know little about. I think your stories would have had the same impact if you were doing your serving in the burbs of Plainsville USA.
You are not your location; you are not your job; you are not your role. You are your beliefs acted out in your relationships. All of which has been impressive.
I sometimes wonder who I am and who people think I am. I avoid telling people that I am a college grad or what my degree is in or what I do at my job. I do not think I should be thought of more highly for any of those things. I hope they judge me on how I treat them and others. Still I wonder.
*nodding*
I read this post just after you published it, but only now have come on to comment. I nodded through the whole thing. For me, it was not only China — brief time that I was there — but also France.
But I also nodded because these feelings also come with divorce, death, separation from loved ones, loss of a job, loss of a friend. Who am I without X to give me more definition of who I am? Who am I without a context?
And to be brutally honest? I know firsthand that to many, an exotic location gives a certain cachet, for sure. Karin in Paris opened up doors for me in writing and becoming a part of an expat circle that has a certain amount of Internet notoriety (thinking of blogging here — but I also brushed shoulders with artists, entrepreneurs, authors… as a result of those blogging connections). Karin in Paris was a MUCH more interesting person to oh-so-many who do not even pay me any mind now that I am no longer there. Karin in Denver is lost in the fray, just another woman in the western middle of the United States. It’s not as interesting, frankly, to those for whom a location makes someone more interesting.
But the thing is, no one can ever take my experiences from me. And while on the surface of things I may seem like a boring middle-aged woman, I know that my story encompasses not only teaching in China, but living in France, and being a mother to two amazing kids. To those who bother to know me, they will know this is part of the fabric of me.
So yeah. I’m sorry. Having China in your past but not your present will indeed make you a lot less interesting to some people. But then there are those people who matter and have known you since you were the girl who was good in math in the 10th grade. ;-) And there are those people I met in Paris who felt something authentic come out of me when I wrote and continue to follow me still as I do have a pretty interesting story that makes people happy and smile and feel some hope inside, in spite of the crappy stuff that has happened.
In your situation, it’s like you and China had to get divorced. Divorce sucks. I am sorry that you have had to go through it. And yet I know how much you grew from all your years there, from 20+ years of a “marriage” to China and her people. I know that the experience will serve you well. And I hope that a new relationship to the place you are now will present itself , or, even better, that you will feel so grounded and centered just as you are as beautiful Amy that any sense of identity from these external things will melt away, and you will feel completely interesting and fulfilled no matter where you are or what you do.
Love you!!
Karin
Ooooh! Eeep! That was almost as long as the post. Sorry. I had many words inside about this, lol.
How is it that I can read your post, and come away feeling that I understand myself better? Truly – thank you for examining your own soul and expressing yourself with such candor.
I think I know understand why I have these odd feelings of anxiety when we consider a move might be on the horizon for us in coming years. I thought it was just all of the unknowns and the many things I perceive I will struggle to understand. But I think it really boils down to what you write here . . . I’m not sure I understand who I am without the China backdrop . . .
“This is my greatest fear. What if China is what makes me and the story of my life interesting and without her, I’m dull. I fear that I may not matter and people only listened to me because I was a bit exotic.”
The flip side of this is that there are other people who have zero interest in those “exotic” years of my life. And thus I feel that part of me is missing and they don’t care. On the plus side though, such a background helps to foster connections with people (often fellow outsiders) who have experienced the life-altering consequences of crossing cultures.
Amy,
I felt like I was reading my own journal as I read this post. Thank you for writing such honest and encouraging words. Interestingly, it was also some of your words that came back to encourage me over and over throughout these last two years back in America. “You are entering a season in your life where something has to die… and that’s okay.” It’s okay for China as the defining adjective of my life to die because the things He taught me there won’t die with it. And God, the actual defining characteristic of my life, will never die either.
My pastor here recently preached a sermon about what living out your calling should look like. He referenced the passage in Matt 11 where John the Baptist is sitting in jail and he sends a disciple to ask Jesus, “Are you the one we’ve been expecting or are we still waiting?” It can be so hard to recognize God when the momentum of life suddenly stands still. So many times I’ve looked at my shockingly quiet life in America and told God, “I have no idea what to do with this.” But my pastor painted a word picture that I love for this season of my life. “Sometimes God gives us $1,000 and asks us to spend it all at once, but often we are told to spend it in quarters. Sometimes that’s harder.” The longer I stay, the more He is teaching me the relevance in all the ways we are called by Him. What a humbling lesson I wasn’t even aware I needed! (Which has made it even more humbling.)