The Messy Middle

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Faith, Holiday, Learning lessons

Why I love “We Three Kings” {even though I was screamed at}

This post was written two years ago and I still love it. Yes, let’s practice together. 

My favorite Christmas Carol is “We Three Kings.” Between the beautiful tune and the lyrics poetically telling why each gift is important, it is the only song I’d sing for my students in China. I’d make them all look at the lyrics saying I couldn’t sing if they were looking at me.

I have a new reason to love this song. My seven year old niece was in a Nativity play this year (OK, with me and her sisters) and she insisted on singing the line, “Frankincense to offer have I, incense owns a deity nigh.”

This line is now seared into my soul.

Seared.Star

Through tears of frustration she admitted (aka screamed at us) she had no idea what many of the words meant so how could she ever memorize it?! Um, precisely. This is why we all wanted her to sing the line, “Born a King on Bethlehem’s plain, gold I bring to crown him again.” But no, she wouldn’t have it. Would. Not. Have. It.

There were whispered practices in the bathroom with her sisters (whispered because this was to be a surprise performance). Whispered practices at meal times when in the hubbub she’d put her little face in mine and say, “Let’s practice, Frankincense to offer have I, incense owns a deity nigh.” Whispered practices in the car with her sisters.

She practiced and practiced to the point we can now all sing this line in our sleep.

When the moment came and she handed a candle to Joseph, she sang with utmost sincerity and accuracy the line she chose without understanding the meaning.

And can’t the same be said for us as well?

We may say we understand worship or the Holy Spirit or prayer or any number of elements of the faith, but do we? Thankfully through community and practice and, at times, screaming and tears we make progress and are able to do things that had been impossible for us.

Let’s practice together.

Behind closed doors.

In the hubbub of daily life.

As we travel.

Every now and then we’ll grab each others faces and say, “Let’s practice.” And together we’ll go over this part or that part of our faith.

We saw his star when it rose and have come to worship him, even though parts of the story are beyond us.

Amen.

I’d love to hear of your favorite Christmas Carol or really any thought this stirred in you :)

Photo Credit: Sheila Sund via Compfight cc

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15 Comments December 22, 2016

China, Family, Learning lessons

Your driving doesn’t scare me and other lessons from China

Chinese Driving

The summer of 1992 changed me forever.

I spent it teaching English in Hefei. Ask me about that summer and I’ll tell you about the heat. I’ll tell you about the sweat that would trickle down my back at 7:45 a.m. as I walked to class. I’ll tell you about gathering around a freshly sliced watermelon with my students and learning about trying to cool down eating juicy fruit. I’ll tell you about the culture lectures I helped put on and how I was in a Christmas play in July. I’ll tell you when we showed the movie Hoosiers to our students and I knew the deep ache of loving your home country from afar. I’ll tell you about sobbing so hard at the end of the summer my teammates believed I had fallen in love under their noses.

What I will fail to tell you is how Chinese driving began to seep into me. Nowadays laws are to be followed. Then, let’s just say the roads were the wild west. Lanes mere suggestions. Stop lights more like check-to-see-no-cops-lights. You passed on the left. You passed on the right. You drove through cars coming the opposite direction. You thought you might die and wondered why you didn’t see more accidents.

Guess when these experiences will come in handy? Years, and years later when your oldest niece is 15 and learning to drive.

Courting 2016 style

Far into the future, on a Saturday night while hanging out at a family gathering you’ll look at your niece and say, “Hey, want to go for a drive?” Now, this invitation has been rejected more time than if you tried to score against Lebron James. Cool, cool, cool. Her choice, truly. She throws you all when she says, “Sure.”

Her youngest sister is allowed to ride in the car with the strict warning, “You are to say nothing. Get it? Do not make one comment.” Oh we all get it. You assure her she can drive around the cul-de-sac neighborhood at whatever speed she would like. There is no rush. Only you never imagined a person could drive so slowly that the automatic locks scare you all about ten minutes later when she finally hits the speed that locks the car. You joke that you now understand what it must have been like to court in the 1800s when a boy took a girl out for a slow ride in a buggy. Turns out this is not a time for joking.

But courage begets courage and she’s willing to venture onto other residential streets. Often enough you go out driving together and it truly is fun. Only once did she ask you not to wince and only once did you say, trying to be calm but avoid getting rear-ended, “It is OKAY that we missed the turn. PLEASE DO NOT SLOW DOWN. YOU NEED TO HIT THE GAS, we cannot stop in the intersection of this major street when the light is still green. No worries, it’s all good. We’ll just go up to the next light BUT SERIOUSLY YOU NEED TO ACCELERATE.”

Turns out she likes driving with you more than other adults because her driving doesn’t make you as nervous as other adults.

And then it hits you.

Of course it doesn’t make you nervous. You’ve ridden in China. For years. Boom. Hidden talent. Thank you China.

Her mom comments that she takes corners too fast. And you wonder if you are the best to help her because, now that her mom mentions it, yeah, she is a bit like a Chinese driver rounding a corner. You hadn’t really noticed.

All that aside, if you are in the Denver area and have a child who needs to learn to drive, let me know. Riding with burgeoning drivers is a trip down memory lane. It is a way to visit China without needing a visa. It is a way to use experiences I never thought would transfer to America. It is a way to be me in unexpected ways. Truly, give me a call.

And other China peeps, might I suggest you find a new driver and bless them with time spent together learning to drive? Seriously. Chinese driving is the gift that keeps on giving.

{If you know this niece of mine, while not ready to go public with her skills, when it is time I tell you, there will be no more responsible driver on the streets. Okay, with maybe a bit of an aggressive streak. She is, after all, part Young! She read this post and approved it before it went public—all but the aggressive streak. Since it is more about her grandpa, mom, and aunts, she let me keep it in :)}

 

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11 Comments August 29, 2016

Guest Post, Learning lessons, Relationships

Something we all want

I am delighted today to be guest posting at Sheloves! I was asked to write a post about living well regardless of your season of life.

It is possible to live well in ways that don’t sound trite to those in crisis or cynical to those who are in the throes of delight and actually works in the middle of real life?

It is.

  1. Breathe—It seems so underwhelming to live well by taking a breath, doesn’t it? But taking a breath slows you down and gives the rational part of your brain a chance to kick in when life seems chaotic and out of control. Pausing to breathe in the midst of the mundane can remind us of the beauty in the ordinary and the gifts we have been given in those seasons when all seems to be going our way.
  1. Feed—Yes, feed your body. Blood sugar level is real. Also, feed your senses. What beauty can you feed your eyes with? What sounds feed your ears? Is there a smell that transports you? When you feed your senses, you are feeding your soul and leaning into what it means to be made in the Image of God.

Read numbers 3 – 10 here :). And guess what . . . SheLoves made a beautiful print out of the 10 if you want to hang them up for easy reference! It’s beautiful, you can get it here.

Have a lovely weekend, Amy

p.s. What helps you live well in your current season? If I’m brave, I might share one of mine in the comments.

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2 Comments July 15, 2016

Family, Learning lessons, Messy Middle

Why you need to prioritize your life

Prioritize your life

The summer you turned 12 was a right of passage in our family. Finally you were old enough to get on a plane by yourself and fly out to spend time alone with Aunt Bobbye and then board another plane (or be driven) to Michigan for alone time with Grandma and Grandpa Farley.

Oh the memories of the summer I was 12! Fresh raspberries, spotting Michael Jordan in the airport, playing cribbage, laughing, riding a lawnmower (WHAT?! You mean technology existed that didn’t involve you shoving a lawnmower up a slight hill and grunting? Miracles are real!).

This final week of June has been much anticipated this spring. Niece #1 has a missions trip and Nieces #3 and #4 are at summer camp, leaving #2 (perfectly aged 12) with a week all alone to spend at Camp Grandma (and Aunt Amy, but Camp Grandma rolls off the tongue better).

For the last few months, Niece #2 would say, “We can do that the last week in June!” give me a nudge, tilt her head and bat her eyes in this very #2 way. Ideas include learn cube roots (we know how to party!),  bring an Algebra 1 book, teach me how to play the Pandemic Board Game, go to a waterpark, and eat breakfast at a restaurant. You might think you know which one of those were my idea . . . and you might be wrong. Just saying.

She’s also been huggy with Grandma and when it was suggested that her time at Camp Grandma be shortened (I forget now why. It might have been a joke!), it was met with, “No, no, no, no, no.” Camp Grandma is one of the highlights of this summer’s plans.

A few weeks ago I read Essentialism: The Disciplined Pursuit of Less by Greg McKeown—this book will be on my best reads of 2016. I truly believe anyone who wants to lead a meaningful life could benefit from reading this book. If your team or committee or some other group you are a part of is looking for a book read and discuss as a group, this is it.

One entire section is devoted to “how we can discern the trivial many from the vital few.” As I read that section, I was reminded of Dallas Willard’s sage wisdom, “Ruthlessly eliminate hurry.”

Why do so many of us hurry? Because we are living undisciplined lives of pursuing more. The disciplined pursuit of less may leave you feeling like you will miss out (at least that is how I often feel). But this week of Camp Grandma is a prime example.

McKeown rightly said, “If you don’t prioritize your life, someone else will.” He learned this key life lesson as he spent the hours after his daughter’s birth on a work call, not with his wife and daughter.

I have cancelled all but two activities this week. Life is knocking on the door and her cries can be legitimate. Were I to tell #2 I need to spend some time working on X, Y, or Z, they not only sound legitimate, they are legitimate. But are they a priority for this week? This longed for and anticipated week?

No.

Part of living in the messy middle is living out our values in reality and not in theory.

So, this week, I’ll be at Camp Grandma and I’m going to protect the week like my soul depends on it, because in a small way, it does.

Disclosure : Amazon Affiliate links included in this website. If you click through to Amazon, any purchase you make supports the costs of running this website. 

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8 Comments June 28, 2016

Family, Just for fun, Learning lessons

Memories of Learning to Drive

Niece #1 is in driving school this week. What?! I know. I know.

You can guess the conversations that have gone on this spring building up to one of our clear, tangible, (and risky for parents) rights of passage.

Being middle-aged is like being in a movie with flashback scenes. It has been years since I thought about learning to drive, yet now the memories float to the forefront.

Learning to Drive

My first driving experience was in 7th grade. I had gone with my dad to a work site. I remember sitting in the car and reading Something About Joey as I waited for Dad to finish. When he did, he asked if I wanted to learn to drive. Sure! We drove around a big, empty, dirt site.

In my next driving memory, I was soon to get my driving permit and my family was driving to Southern Colorado to visit my grandparents. We were taking deserted, narrow highways and Dad thought it would be good to practice driving a large van with my entire family in it. Overall, a reasonable idea! As the oldest, two crucial life lessons emerged for my sisters and me:

1. Do not drive over a cattle grid at full speed. If you don’t slow down, you will bounce every passenger so hard they will hit the ceiling. And squawk.

2. When you want to stop a vehicle, do not stomp on the brake pedal or you will send your mother and two sisters flying off to the back bench (pre-mandatory seatbelt days). They will all remember it for the rest of their days and most likely will still be talking about it in the life to come. Instead, gently push on the brake.

The final driving memory I’ll share also involves my dad (I think we practiced driving as much with Mom as with Dad, so I’m not sure why all of my memories are with Dad.). In addition to the big Dodge van, we had some small car with the emergency brake being a pull-up handle between the drivers. Dad would ride in the passenger seat with his hand on the brake, ready to pull it up at a moments notice. Really, was that necessary? Had I not already demonstrated my amazing braking ability?!

Let’s stop talking about driving here, because it was shortly after I got my license that I totaled two cars in one early morning adventure.

Were you a reluctant driver, or maybe a little over eager?What memories do you have of learning to drive?

P.S. Having lived for years in a country where I didn’t drive, it was alway weird to see American friends driving in America for the first time. I know you can … but it’s still weird!

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13 Comments June 21, 2016

Learning lessons, Messy Middle, Velvet Ashes

This wild love story will carry on

Hey friends, I wrote this post for Velvet Ashes. At VA we’ve had our annual three week series for people who will be changing an assignment and moving, people who will be re-entering their passport country, and people who will be carrying on.

Carry on main

When I signed up to write this post a clear image came to mind.

In my mind’s eye, I was walking behind a woman who was on a narrow dusty path, wide enough for one person. Over her shoulders was a long pole with a can of water hanging off of each side. She was carrying on.

I loved the symbolism of carrying water because water sustains life and brings Living Water to thirsty souls.

It was such a lovely picture. After talking about change and re-entry, my soul was ready for less upheaval internally. One foot in front of the other. Step after ordinary step. Familiar paths, familiar teammates, familiar cities and markets. Familiar sounded good.

Wasn’t carrying on supposed to be a lovely picture? Familiar? Calming? Idealized?!

Wait, what?!

Ah, there’s the rub. I tend to see the pain and joy of the path I’m on, yet only the joy of your path. This carrying on is as varied as any other path. It can be glorious or discouraging, exciting or a bit dull. Thankfully, we have not been left without encouragement and models. We join a long line of people who knew what it was to carry on.

We join:

Daniel who was thrown to his death by people who were jealous and didn’t want him to succeed . . . and yet he didn’t die. From Daniel we learn to carry on after false accusations and a traumatic and dramatic experience.

Jesus who spent time in the desert preparing for the next phase of his calling. After time alone with God (and the Accuser) he returned to society and built a team. From him we see a model of carrying on after a period of preparation.

Moses who lead a group of people who were not easy to lead or the most supportive of him. From Moses we learn to carry on for the long haul and to listen to One, not many.

David who had to carry on in both his role as king and in his family when his sin of sleeping with Bathsheba cost many greatly, some even paying with their lives. From David we learn how to carry on after we have sinned.

Leah who felt unloved by her husband and jealous of her sister. From Leah, we learn that carrying on may require us to find our satisfaction only in God.

Joseph who was treated unjustly by his brothers, potiphar’s wife, and the cupbearer. From Joseph we learn that carrying on may involve years and that God keeps his word.

Naomi who suffered through famine and the death of her husband and sons. From Naomi we learn what it means to carry on when hope seems lost.

Ruth who served her mother-in-law as she fulfilled the commitment she made by carrying on in a new land. From Ruth we learn that carrying on can result in unforeseen and eternal blessing.

Caleb who spent years with Moses and the Israelites as they wandered in the desert before the time came to hand the mantle over to him. From Caleb we learn that carrying on can involved the end of an apprenticeship as responsibility is handed to you.

Abraham who was asked to sacrifice his own son and did not know if a substitute was going to be provided. From Abraham we learn that carrying on involves the mysteriousness of following a God who cannot be reduced to a formula.

Isaiah  who at one point was told by God to walk around naked and barefoot for three years as a sign of the troubles to be brought against Egypt and Ethiopia. From Isaiah and other prophets we learn to carry on when it seems no one is interested in listening.

Mary who watched her son be unjustly accused, tried, and executed. From Mary we learn to carry on in seasons of deep loss and grief.

Paul and Barnabas who had a ministry disagreement and after parting ways each took on a ministry mentee in Silas and John Mark. From them we learn that disagreements happen and the work can carry on. We also learn to that carrying on involves building into the next generation.

Carrying on 

is for those in loss,

it can feel mundane in the day-to-day,

it can involve new opportunities and challenges,

it can get lost in the bigger picture,

it can paradoxically be familiar and foreign at the same time,

it needs to be anchored in who we are, not what we do,

but above all else, it reminds us that this wild love story between a Creator and his creation, beginning before time, will carry on.

~~~

God uses his word in so many ways to encourage and instruct us. Which Biblical character do you relate to most in this season?

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8 Comments June 3, 2016

Faith, Learning lessons, The Church Year

Welcome to Spirit Week for the Soul

The comforter 560

Remember in November when I wrote:

This summer was a rough patch for me internally. I had one friend text me more than once, “I’m worried about you.” I was worried about me too. I identified “resentment” as my primary emotion. Not good people, not good.

Part of the cause was for the first time since I was four-years-old, I was no longer functioning on an academic schedule. Guess how long it’s been since I was four? Short answer: a very, long time.

For a life time, my sense of time has been rooted in a school calendar. My sense of rest has been rooted in breaks around winter and summer holidays. My sense of busy seasons with the ebbs and flows of semesters.

A primary reason for the oozing-into-my soul resentfulness was the clash between what my body and soul expected from summer time and what my current reality demands. The clash was like fingernails dragging down the chalkboard of my soul.

///

Welcome to Spirit Week for the SoulSome of you have joined me in reading through The Circle of Seasons, about the church calendar, by Kimberlee Conway Ireton. A week ago in Church the pastor mentioned that this past Sunday was Pentecost and to wear red to church.

I have to admit growing up in a church that mentioned advent, but not too much of the other parts of the church calendar, sometimes I get a little confused over what Pentecost is. I know, embarrassing, but there you have it. In short, Pentecost is 50 days after Easter (Pente = five) with the believers gathered together and waiting. The Holy Spirit came and afterwards the believers went back home after what is considered the church’s birthday.

This reorienting of the soul is good for me because it it doesn’t happen without a bit of intentionality. If only I could wave a magic wand and just be different. Or wait in a room for the Spirit to SHOW UP and boom, be done with it.

That, however, is not how this is playing out for my soul. Instead, it’s a bit more like getting braces for my soul. This first year, these holidays and readings are a bit, in the best sense, like visiting the orthodontist and having an adjustment. It feels a bit awkward and unnatural, but I can tell something is happening.

Ordinary time will start next Sunday and will run until Advent (doesn’t advent seem a long way off? I haven’t even gotten to wear my summer clothes yet!). This week, however, the week of Pentecost.

Remember in junior high or high school when you’d have spirit week? Well this Holy Spirit Week for the Soul! Maybe that’s not the official church calendar vernacular, but it’s helping me to think of it in these terms. The color, as you have guessed since the pastor invited people to wear red, is red. On Sunday I did wear red and Kimberly Conway Ireton suggested lighting a red candle during meals this week. I like small, yet tangible ways to reorient my soul.

Several years ago I wrote Can you judge an author by his hair? about the book the Wild Goose Chase: Reclaim the Adventure of Pursuing God by Mark Batterson.

“Just as Aslan isn’t safe, but he’s good, the Holy Spirit isn’t tame, but he’s trustworthy. Borrowing from Celtic Christians who refer to An Geadh-Glas, the wild goose, Batterson shows how we tend to cage the Holy Spirit and need to be the kind of person who resists urges. Who hasn’t found false safety in one of these cages? Responsibility, routine, assumptions, guilt, failure, or fear? But we have been called to the wild by following The Wild Goose.”

When the Holy Spirit is only referred to “the Comforter” (for good reasons!), it can make the Spirit smaller, tamer, the least interesting part of the trinity.

This week, when I see red, I’m using it as a trigger to expand how I see the Holy Spirit, and therefore expand how I see God.

How is the readjusting going for you? What’s helping? What’s been hard?

Related Articles:

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  • Out of the mouth of a UPS worker

Disclosure : Amazon Affiliate links included in this website. If you click through to Amazon, any purchase you make supports the costs of running this website. 

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6 Comments May 17, 2016

Faith, Help Us Understand, Learning lessons

Kathryn, Help Us Understand

I am excited today that Kathryn will be our next Help Us Understand interview, and help us she does! These interviews will be a bit longer than my normal posts, but these are complex subjects and worthy of creating a bit more space.

Kathryn, we are grateful you are here today. Thank you for trusting us enough to listen to you and for the ways you will help us understand those who are spiritual better.

Help Us Understand 560 Kathryn

What does “spirituality” mean to you? If you practice some form of spirituality, what does that look like?

To me, “spirituality” entails a sense of connectedness. When I was a Christian, I interpreted those experiences of connectedness in terms of a connection to God. When I left Christianity behind, I fully expected that my spiritual experiences would stop. They didn’t. In fact, they didn’t change, not even a little bit. All that changed was my own interpretation of them. Instead of telling myself, “This sunset is such a testimony to the glory of God,” I started telling myself, “Wow, what a beautiful sunset!,” and leaving it at that. Instead of telling myself, “The Holy Sprit is giving me the strength to keep working,” I started telling myself, “This is great—I’m totally in a state of flow right now. This is meaningful and satisfying work.” Instead of telling myself, “I think God spoke to me just now!,” I started telling myself, “Something new just occurred to me.” And my new interpretations frankly felt a lot more honest than my previous ones had been.

What has been your experience with Christians and the church?

I grew up in the church, sang in the choir, and joined every Christian activity I could find. I considered myself a Christian from a very young age and many, many times rededicated my life to Christ, just to be sure. I studied for seven years(!) at a highly ranked Christian college, and served overseas for six years. Upon returning to America, I went on to get an MDiv degree at a large interdenominational seminary and pursued ordination in my denomination. I was awarded several prestigious scholarships, not only for my academic achievements, but also for my spiritual leadership and example. I was a teaching assistant for so very many classes in seminary, entrusted with the responsibility of grading and providing comments on other students’ deeply reflective papers.

Christians, I was one of you, and a very devout one at that. It never, ever crossed my mind that I could possibly ever leave the Christian faith. Then, at the beginning of my final quarter of seminary (AFTER I had already walked at graduation, mind you), things began to fall apart.

My church, who had supported me in many ways through three years of seminary and the initial steps of the ordination process, casually decided to hire a new pastor who didn’t believe that God calls women to ordained ministry. They gave me a friendly heads-up before the new pastor arrived. I believe they honestly thought that as long as I knew in advance that my new spiritual leader, who would guide me through the rest of the ordination process, was quite certain that I was not called to ordained ministry solely on the basis of my gender but had committed to walk me through the process anyway, all would be well.

I was speechless, at first. Then I shared my misgivings in private with a fellow female seminarian who attended the same church. “How could he guide me through the process under these circumstances?,” I asked. She was horrified to hear the news, of which the rest of the congregation was still in the dark, and began telling other friends. Pretty soon the church leadership was calling me to express their extreme disappointment in my “breach of confidentiality;” asking me to talk to every single person I knew of who knew, and tell them to not spread this information any further; and telling me that Satan was working through me to try to divide the church.

Mind you, all I had done—ALL I had done—was tell one friend that I was worried about the fact that I was about to have to pursue ordination under the leadership of a pastor who did not believe in the ordination of women.

My world was shattered. That same week, I began my required hospital chaplaincy internship. It was intense. My very first day on the job, I saw a dead body for the first time ever while also trying to help 15+ family members in the room come to terms with the sudden death of their middle-aged loved one. I actually did okay on that one, I think, but I was pretty stressed out, as you might imagine.

It soon became apparent, though, that dealing with dead bodies, hysterical people in grief, sick people estranged from their children, and the like, was the easier part of the job. The hard part of the job (and I say “job,” but this was actually a 10-week unpaid internship required for graduation) was the meetings with my chaplaincy supervisor.

My supervisor strongly believed that the only way to be a successful hospital chaplain was to have all of your defenses shattered, to be broken down into nothing but raw emotion and experience, to hit rock bottom, and then slowly rebuild from there. Ironically enough, this was exactly the kind of shattering experience that I was having in my life, only not especially involving her.

At first I did try to share some of my difficulties and concerns regarding recent developments at my church, but her responses were unhelpful. She said things like, “And WHY are you still going to this church??”… as if it were the easiest thing in the world to simply drop three years of membership, ministry, and ordination-seeking, and start over somewhere else with strangers. Her responses added to my staggering, screaming pain, so I stopped sharing my vulnerable places with her. She flipped out.

I did my job well, reflected deeply on my experiences as a hospital chaplain intern, and even connected themes I experienced to some things from my own family of origin, but I did not give her the free access to all of my vulnerable emotions that she was seeking. Even so, I barely survived the summer.

A mentor of mine had to provide emergency emotional support on several occasions, all related to my chaplaincy supervisor. I did stop attending that church and visited several others. I horrified myself by exploring ordination options in the “liberal” branch of my denomination, the branch that (according to my religious upbringing) was NOT faithful to God or to Scripture. But mostly, I was just trying to cope, hanging on by a thread. And at the end of the summer, my chaplaincy supervisor wrote me a scathing evaluation, which of course became a permanent part of my student file at the seminary.

I graduated. I found a job teaching English, which is what I had been doing overseas. I settled into a “liberal” church in my neighborhood for several months. The people there were very nice. I introduced myself as a refugee from the more conservative branch of our denomination, and they welcomed me with open arms. I made friends. I got involved. There was a path forward there for me; I clearly had the option to pursue ordination through that church where the head pastor was a woman, and no one would ever question my calling on the basis of my gender ever again.

But I was still in pain, and I didn’t want to make any rash decisions. I attended church each Sunday as an ordinary layperson. I struggled with the ideas of “surrender,” “submission,” and “radical obedience” to God. I knew that the Christian God required them. I didn’t know if I could survive them.

One Sunday, the theme of the Scripture readings and of the sermon was, “Surrender to God.” I hurt my way through each Scripture as it was read aloud. Then came the sermon. The exegesis was perfect, flawless. I had an MDiv and had been a teaching assistant in preaching classes, so I knew how to tell if the sermon is really accurately unfolding the meaning of the relevant Scriptures or not. This sermon was absolutely 100% faithful to Scripture.

And I could not survive it. I could not live in a state of surrender to God, and also survive. More specifically, I was not at all sure that a posture of “surrender to God” was likely in any way to help me access or come closer to whatever Deity or Absolute Truth might lie beyond human understanding.

However, a posture of “surrender to God” now seemed EXTREMELY likely to help me get into situations where I was vulnerable to being hurt by other people’s pride, selfishness, misguided thoughts, and plain human ignorance, as they spoke to me out of all their human failings in the name of God. And I blamed the structure of the Christian faith for taking ordinary, fallible humans, and elevating them to positions of “spiritual leadership” wherein their own human brokenness now has a senselessly large amount of power to hurt other people.

Sure, part of the Christian duty is to be obedient to God over and above any human, and to examine Christian leaders to determine whether or not they truly are being faithful to the Word of God. But even good, faithful, well-meaning leaders can change in an instant—mine did—and ANY human, given the heady power trip of being a spokesperson for GOD, is susceptible to causing great pain. “Any God worth his salt,” I told my very concerned mentor, “would be disgusted by Christianity.”

In the case of my new, kinder church, though, there was no disconnect between the words of the leader and the words of Scripture. The sermon was completely accurate to the text. The Christian God himself was, through Scripture, saying that we must place ourselves in a posture of surrender to God. The problem was that there was no real way to know what God might or might not ask you to do next.

The Bible is full of paradoxes, let’s be honest, and there are at least 10 different, contradictory ways—all of them based in Scripture—to answer many important questions. This is why so many different Christian denominations exist. Any Christian leader you talk to is going to tell you that his/her teachings are Scriptural. And by and large, they all are. And they are all different from one another. And they all, somehow, mysteriously, also reflect the specific culture, time period, local setting, personal beliefs, and personality of the leader in question.

Submit myself… to what? There was no telling what I would be asked to do next… but whatever it was, was far more likely to play into the human thoughts and plans of somebody, than to somehow access an infinite God. In fact, from a posture of surrender, there was no way to rise above the noise of human thoughts and plans at all—they were deafeningly loud—and yet that is what the Christian God required. I could not please him.

In fact, I increasingly found it morally abhorrent to do so. The Christian God functions as a stand-in for all kinds of human weaknesses, writ large. As they say, power corrupts, and absolute power corrupts absolutely. I could not survive under this kind of corrupted authority, and I was actually disgusted at myself for having been on the path to become an ordained spiritual leader myself and doubtlessly project my own human follies and foibles onto others in the name of God. Yes, I might have helped some of them, but I can still do that now, in my own voice. I will never again claim to be speaking for God, whoever or whatever he might be. Come on.

The following Sunday was my 30th birthday, and also the first Sunday that I had ever intentionally not gone to church when there were no circumstances preventing me from doing so. I kind of sweated through Sunday morning in my small apartment. I was afraid to do anything on Facebook, lest anyone notice the time of my post and wonder why I wasn’t in church.

This fear subsided gradually as the church-free weeks went by. No one really noticed that I had stopped attending. One day an assistant pastor called me, short on time, to see if I could lead a Bible study at the last minute, and got more information than he had bargained for (and still had to find someone else to lead the study!). Major Christian holidays like Christmas and Easter felt painful and empty for some time. But I could not go back.

I missed it, but the whole point of going to church is to worship God—and after having come to realize that the “God” of Christianity is really like the little man behind the curtain in the Wizard of Oz, I could not make myself pretend to worship him.

If you were a part of a spiritual group/community, what would you want present? What would you not want present?

This is an interesting question. I do miss the community, friendships, routine, music, beauty, etc. of church, and have looked a bit into traditions like Unitarian Universalism. The problem is, the things I miss most actually hinge on the sense of coming together to worship something greater than ourselves. In a choose-your-own-adventure religious environment, the unity—the awe and wonder—is lost. I now feel far more of a sense of connection outside of any kind of religious environment than within one. Unfortunately, I don’t think I’m a candidate any longer for any sort of official spiritual community. That ship has sailed.

What are some of the unanswered/difficult questions that you continue to wrestle with?

Well, Christianity does have the benefit of having lots of answers to give about the origins and meaning of life, where people go when they die, and other questions of that genre. I don’t buy those answers anymore, but it was kind of nice when I still could. I don’t have answers to such questions anymore; I don’t think the universe grants such answers to us. But it sure would be nice if it did.

What do you wish Christians and the church understood?

When I left Christianity, I lost virtually all my friends. Stop for a moment and consider how many friends you would lose if you lost ALL of your Christian friends. Some were horrified by my change of heart, and told me so. Many, many, many found the thought of me going to hell one day so emotionally distressing that they broke down in tears, inconsolable, and I had to spend quite a bit of time taking care of them emotionally even though I was the one with the difficult news to share. Some tried to stay with me, thinly disguising their attempts to get me to return to the fold. I understood them too well; I used to employ those very same tactics myself.

The whole “telling my friends” process was so ridiculously emotionally draining that I stopped it as soon as I could. I had graduated, and I moved on to take a job in another state, so I simply disappeared from the lives of friends with whom I wasn’t super close. Some of these friends appear occasionally on my Facebook page and make comments in Christian-ese, assuming I still share that language. I ignore the religious references and simply respond to the main content. It would be far too exhausting to deal with the fallout of trying to explain to all of these less-close friends that I am no longer a Christian.

In short, being a former Christian is lonely. Very lonely. It’s lonely when you tell people, and lonely when you don’t. It’s lonely when your two best friends today both happen to be Christians who never knew you as one, who know your story, who accept you, and yet whose larger circles of friendship you can never join because they center around church and Bible study groups. It’s lonely when your husband is non-religious just like you, but has been non-religious all his life and cannot relate to your past religious experiences. It’s lonely when you know other former Christians… but only through their books, blog posts, or internet discussion groups.

There just aren’t too many people out there who were once extremely committed to the Christian faith but adhere to it no longer. I have felt less lonely in this regard just one time in the past seven years, during a conversation with a Muslim friend who was once a very devout Muslim and is now trying to come to terms with her faith in the context of her more recently modern, Western, liberal lifestyle. The ways in which we had expressed our devotion to our respective faiths as young people differed greatly on the cultural and religion-specific details, but the emotional journey was so very similar.

At one point she was very nearly recruited by an extremist Muslim group, and she now shudders to look back on her former naiveté. She really thought at the time that if she was truly devoted to God/Allah, then that was the path she should take. It made me shudder to think of what I, too, might have so easily become had I grown up as a devout Muslim rather than a devout Christian… but I felt less lonely.

///

Kathryn, after hearing your story, I am moved to respond. But in the spirit of listening, I simply say thank you. Your words will not lightly be brushed off of me or others who read this. We appreciate you helping us understand. Thank you.

(In the spirit of listening, comments have been turned off. You may read other interviews here.)

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1 Comment May 13, 2016

Faith, Learning lessons

Listen to the whole Bible: 60 seconds per book

I shared about The 30 Second Bible while the project was unfolding (and Nehemiah—the book I helped with—went live). Guess what?! It’s done! The whole Bible recorded in two 30 second segments, the first a summary and the second recording the good news of that book.

Bible picture 560

Here is the entire series. I find I have high intentions of listening, but I respond best to checklists so I can follow my progress :). So, I made a handy-dandy check-list for us! You can download the “Listen to the Bible Checklist” here.

What’s your favorite book in the bible? Or one you are curious to hear the recording? Share in the comments and I’ll listen. Let’s encourage each other :).

Amy

P.S. Thank you Jim Kast-Keat for the HOURS you invested in this for us all!

Intro // Some Of It Even Happened by Jim Kast-Keat
Intro // To Know Where You’re Going by Jim Kast-Keat
Intro // This Is The New Testament by Jim Kast-Keat
 
Genesis // Plotting Goodness by Brian McLaren
Genesis  // The Book Of Beginnings by Billy Honor
Genesis // An Ultimate Good by Billy Honor
 
Exodus // A Newly Nomadic People by Science Mike
Exodus // A New Hope by Science Mike
 
Leviticus //  Your Life Matters by Rob Bell
Leviticus // One Simple Message by Rob Bell
 
Numbers // A Bit… Complicated by Adam Lorenz
Numbers // In Your Wandering by Adam Lorenz
 
Deuteronomy // The Last Installment by Bruce Reyes-Chow
Deuteronomy // It Is God Who Delivers by Bruce Reyes-Chow
 
Joshua // A Dangerous Genocidal Text by Kate Common
Joshua // A More Liberative Christianity by Kate Common
Joshua // The Mythic Model by Aric Clark
Joshua // A Severe Ethical Challenge by Aric Clark
 
Judges // A Merry-Go-Round by Jim Kast-Keat
Judges // God Is Still Moving by Jim Kast-Keat
 
Ruth // The Secret Hero by Tanya Marlow
Ruth // Patron Saint Of The Grumpy by Tanya Marlow
Ruth // A Foreigner Named Ruth by Brian Shivers
Ruth // Do Not Press Me To Leave You by Brian Shivers
 
1 Samuel // A Narrative History by Tara Owens
1 Samuel // Grace Enough by Tara Owens
 
2 Samuel // Politics, Adultery, Betrayal by Ty Silzer
2 Samuel // Live Wholeheartedly by Ty Silzer
 
1 Kings // The Death Of A King by Patrick B. Reyes
1 Kings // This Is Good News by Patrick B. Reyes
 
2 Kings // Even More Depressing by Jeff Mansfield
2 Kings // The Will Of God by Jeff Mansfield
 
1 Chronicles // Occasional Nuggets Of Surprise by Jody Mask
1 Chronicles // Not As Unreasonable As Some Might Think by Jody Mask
 
2 Chronicles // From Solomon To Hoshea by Adam Gonnerman
2 Chronicles // You Can Be Redeemed by Adam Gonnerman
 
Ezra // Resilience & Action by Kellie Anderson-Picallo
Ezra // Every Step Of The Way by Kellie Anderson-Picallo
Ezra // A Theology Of Reconstruction by Grace Ji-Sun Kim
Ezra // This Gives All Of Us Hope by Grace Ji-Sun Kim
 
Nehemiah // The Cupbearer’s Construction Crew by Amy Young
Nehemiah // Rooted In Reality by Amy Young
 
Esther // The Winner Was Esther by Emmy Kegler
Esther // An Orphan Girl Who Finds Her Voice by Emmy Kegler
 
Job // He Decides To Serve God Anyway by Carol Bechtel
Job // The Limits Of Human Wisdom by Carol Bechtel
Job // Why? by John C. Dorhauer
Job // Hard Questions by John C. Dorhauer
 
Psalms // 150 Different Songs by Amy Kumm-Hanson
Psalms // When Words Escape Us by Amy Kumm-Hanson
Psalms // The Original Hymnal by Jim Kast-Keat
Psalms // Not All Rainbows And Snoopies by Jim Kast-Keat
 
Proverbs // As Old As The Earth by Bryan Berghoef
Proverbs // Infused With Wisdom by Bryan Berghoef
 
Ecclesiastes // Wisdom & Work by Cláudio Carvalhaes
Ecclesiastes // Utopian Horizons by Cláudio Carvalhaes
Ecclesiastes // Straight Up by Anna Spencer
Ecclesiastes // This Is Where You Go by Anna Spencer
 
Song of Songs // Moments Dripping With Myrrh by Carol Howard Merritt
Song of Songs // I Join Her Chorus by Carol Howard Merritt
 
Isaiah // The Most Significant Influence by Sarah Griffith Lund
Isaiah // God’s Love Is For Everybody by Sarah Griffith Lund
Isaiah // These Two Worldviews by Keegan Osinski
Isaiah // A Promise Or A Threat by Keegan Osinski
 
Jeremiah // There Is No Peace by Debra Avery
Jeremiah // Because I Am by Debra Avery
 
Lamentations // We’re Hoping For by The Real Reverends of New York City
Lamentations // A Pissed Off People by The Real Reverends of New York City
 
Ezekiel // The One Good Shepherd by Tanya Marlow
Ezekiel // The Unexpected Places by Tanya Marlow
 
Daniel // The Dreams Of Kings by Melissa Pace
Daniel // Do You. Do God. Do Good. by Melissa Pace
 
Hosea // What Love Is This? by Jonathan Lee
Hosea // Who Is Gomer? by Jonathan Lee
Hosea // God Did Not Come In Wrath by Tom Boogaart
 
Joel // Gracious & Compassionate by Candace Simpson
Joel // The Power Of Disruption by Candace Simpson
 
Amos // God Is Pissed by Stacey Midge
Amos // God Sees You by Stacey Midge
 
Obadiah // A Servant by Ryan Henderson
Obadiah // The Way We Serve by Ryan Henderson
 
Jonah // Go To Nineveh by Ann Kansfield
Jonah // Divine Messengers by Ann Kansfield
Jonah // One Of The Most Effective Prophets by Amanda Quraishi
Jonah // The Futility Of Trying To Resist by Amanda Quraishi
Jonah // The Story Of Jonah by Jim Kast-Keat
Jonah // This God Is Calling You by Jim Kast-Keat
 
Micah // Three Major Sections by Toy Adams
Micah // The Litany Of Sins by Toy Adams
 
Nahum // A Poem That Packs A Punch by Kevin Wright
Nahum // The Divine Arc Of Redeeming Love by Kevin Wright
 
Habakkuk // God Is Present by Wil Gafney
Habakkuk // Watches, Cares, & Summons by Wil Gafney
 
Zephaniah // From The Blues To Jubilant Jazz by Andy Kort
Zephaniah // Joy Is A Verb by Andy Kort
Zephaniah // The Day Of The Lord by Steve Carter
Zephaniah // With Us & For Us by Steve Carter
 
Haggai // Pilgrimage by Brooklynn Smith
Haggai // Our Deliverer by Brooklynn Smith
 
Zechariah // History, Prophetic, Apocalyptic by Nate Pyle
Zechariah // Because God Acts by Nate Pyle
 
Malachi // A Messenger Is Coming by Amy Lunde-Whitler
Malachi // God Is Always Listening by Amy Lunde-Whitler
 
Matthew // The Gospel Of Mountains by Kerlin Richter
Matthew // The Melodies Of Our Hearts by Kerlin Richter
 
Mark //  Damn Near Shakespeare by Natalie Renee Perkins
Mark //  The Good News Goes Public by Michael-Ray Mathews
Mark //  Good News To The Community Organizer by Michael-Ray Mathews
Mark //  No Time To Lose by James Martin, SJ
Mark //  Jesus Understands You by James Martin, SJ
 
Luke // The Prodigal Son by Daniel Brereton
Luke // Radical Love by Jacqui Lewis
Luke // The Meaning Of Grace by Jacqui Lewis
 
John // Largely Unique by Daniel Hall
John // Love One ANother by Daniel Hall
John // Life In Color by Emily Scott
John // Children Of God by Charles and Josephine Berghoef
 
Acts // The Earliest Days Of The Church by Megan Snell
Acts // The Same Holy Stream by Megan Snell
Acts // Be The Church by Heidi Carrington Heath
 
Romans // All From Adam by Doug Pagitt
Romans // We Are God’s Children by Doug Pagitt
 
1 Corinthians // The Most Problematic Church by Jim Brownson
1 Corinthians // The Importance Of The Body by Jim Brownson
1 Corinthians // Resurrection In Our Brokenness by James Prescott
1 Corinthians // Grace: Confronting The Truth by James Prescott
 
2 Corinthians // Paul’s Most Intimate Letter by Tony Jones
2 Corinthians // The Whole Ballgame by Tony Jones
 
Galatians // Eyes To See & Ears To Hear by Darryl Schafer
Galatians // You’ve Got To Be Kind by Darryl Schafer
 
Ephesians // Responding In Faith by Bethany Stolle
Ephesians // Down Religion by Bethany Stolle
 
Philippians // The Imprisonment Of A Leader by Kate Rae Davis
Philippians // Love Remains by Kate Rae Davis
Philippians // This Is Philippians by Brandan Robertson
Philippians // Have This Attitude by Brandan Robertson
 
Colossians // Where The Treasure Is Hidden by Troy Bronsink
Colossians // Take The Plunge by Troy Bronsink
 
1 Thessalonians // Act Like Jesus by Molly Baskette
1 Thessalonians // We’ll Never Be Alone Again by Molly Baskette
 
2 Thessalonians // Faithful & Steadfast by Melissa Meyers
2 Thessalonians // We Belong by Melissa Meyers
 
1 Timothy // Dear Timothy by Lane Severson
1 Timothy // The Side Of Love by Lane Severson
 
2 Timothy // This Letter Is For Us by J Robert Eagan
2 Timothy // More Than Simple Orthodoxy by J Robert Eagan
 
Titus // A Wound Of Scripture by David Henson
 
Philemon // The Emancipation For All by Robyn Henderson-Espinoza
 
Hebrews // Long Ago by Mihee Kim-Kort
Hebrews // You Are Not Alone by Mihee Kim-Kort
 
James // A Letter, A Warning, A Plea by Josh Lunde-Whitler
James // Agents Of A New Age by Josh Lunde-Whitler
 
1 Peter // A Little Problematic by Andy Meisenheimer
1 Peter // If Only He Knew Paul Better by Andy Meisenheimer
 
2 Peter // Four Basic Takeaways by Callid Keefe-Perry
2 Peter // What Is Right by Callid Keefe-Perry
 
1 John // A Series Of Stark Contrasts by Jon Marlow
1 John // In The Flesh by Jon Marlow
 
2 John // A Practical Puzzle Of Applied Theology by Brian Robert Campbell
2 John // This Is Good News by Brian Robert Campbell
 
3 John // Whoever Does Good by Matt Richie
3 John // Profound Acts Of Love by Matt Richie
 
Jude // Hey Jude by Mandy Meisenheimer
Jude // This Is Wrong by Mandy Meisenheimer
 
Revelation // Stubborn Hope by Keisha E. McKenzie
Revelation // Good News For The In-Betweeners by Keisha E. McKenzie
Revelation // May It Be So by Kent Dobson
Revelation // Come Quickly by Kent Dobson
Revelation // Come, Lord Jesus by Diana Butler Bass
Revelation // There Is Hope by Diana Butler Bass
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Leave a Comment April 6, 2016

Faith, Just for fun, Learning lessons

Are you ready for Monday?!

I’m writing to you before the weekend so you have time to plan for Monday. Why? What is special about Monday?

I’m glad you asked.

4/4/16!

Root Day

Get it? 4 x 4 = 16. Monday will be square root day!

Thanks to my friend Suzanne who sent me a link to this tshirt saying, “It is some mathy thing. I thought of you,” we can all be ready and excited to celebrate.

Square Root Shirt

In case you’re wondering, “Wait, what? I’m confused.” A square is made when you take a number times itself.

1 x 1 = 1 (January 1, 2001 was the first of this century)

2 x 2 = 4 (February 2, 2004)

3 x 3 = 9 (March 3, 2009 and we begin to realize this isn’t going to happen every year!)

4 x 4 = 16 (Monday!!)

While we get to celebrate Pi day every year, we won’t have another Root Day for nine more years on May, 5, 2025—which seems forever away, doesn’t it?

So, let’s make this day count. You might wonder why? Why talk about these mathy things? Because math has gotten a bad rap. Too many boring math teachers, I’m guessing, who didn’t embrace the playful side of math.

This is what I love about life: mystery and playfulness are all around us. Let’s cheer each other on in noticing.

I will admit, a holiday that encourages eating pie is a bit easier for people to get on board that one where the food is . . . root vegetables. But we are up for the challenge, aren’t we? Here are four ideas I’ve got four ideas for you (get it, 4 is a perfect square! Moving on.)

1. Eat root vegetables. Okay, our family may be a bit geeky because we have had several conversation about what is root vegetables and what is not really a root vegetable. I was very excited that I could eat French Fries in the name of math fun, until we learned potatoes are technically tubers. Next idea we had was to eat candied ginger and ginger snaps. Yum. Only problem is ginger is a rhizome. I know, I know. Root Day, you are NOT helping by having so many rules :)! Both are considered in the “Storage Root Family” according to Wikipedia, so I think you can eat potatoes and ginger and be squarely within the spirit of the law, if not the letter of it.

You cannot go wrong with: carrots, parsnips, rutabagas, dandelion (what?!), radishes, bush potatoes (close enough of me, even though I don’t know what it is), and jicama. Here is a root vegetable soup that looks good.

2. Use square things. Do you have square napkins, plates, mugs, glasses? Use them. How about square cards to wish loves one Happy Root Day? Square bars of soap? I’ve been known to give them as gifts on someone’s square birthday. Be creative!

3. Share your roots. One of my favorite quirky parts of living in China was when a Chinese person would see my name before they met me. Without fail, when we met, there was a look of shock and more than once, “But you’re not Chinese, why do you have a Chinese name?” Young/Yang, is not only Chinese, it’s also Scot-Irish. Top of the morning to you :). Ask 1, 4, 9, or 16 people what their roots are and tell them you are asking because it is Root Day.

4. Be a little mathy. This video will teach you some square root tricks! Get ready for your next party.

At the very least, be amazed at how God has woven mystery and playfulness into most nooks and crannies of this world. Days like Monday let us pause in the midst of the messy middle of life.

What are you going to do on Monday for Root Day? I’d love to hear about your roots in the comments :)!

Amy

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2 Comments April 1, 2016

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